i want to write about the recent 12 hours i’ve experience, in which God FEELS near, though of course He always is. but there’s been that thick blanket of grace, and those little signs that He’s listening, sees, cares.
it began with a good, ugly cry last night. i haven’t cried that way in so long. it was the sort of cry that, in its honesty, seemed to break some things open between me and God, and between me and tim. nothing is resolved per se, yet there’s an odd but certain hope that came in the wake of that cry. and that hope was an answer to a heart cry.
we listend to God together after that cry, tim and i. what i heard was reinforced by what tim heard. and there are now a few solid things to lay hold of with confidence: a few sentences of loving affirmation, an insight into a place where i feel stuck, and a gentle nudge toward a difficult obedience.
and to be listened to, held, not shut down… that was good, too. i’m grateful to have a husband so sensitive, so open to hear without defensiveness.
then i slept really, really well. perhaps i was exhausted by all the crying. and the miracle is that Hazel also slept really, really well. like 12 hours, straight through. this after nearly a week of night waking and/or waking at the butt-crack fo dawn, always in screaming tears, so much so that it got to the point where i felt as though every tim i woke, it was to her crying. i cannot begin to explain to you how immensely grateful i am for a night like that after so many rough night in a row (damn you, 18-month sleep regression.)
while i slept, i dreamed. i dreamed a variation on an old and familiar dream that features me in a familiar house, discovering new rooms and passageways and openings and features to this familiar home that i never knew were there before. this time it was about the home we’re planning to move into next year. as this beloved house unfolded before me with so many surprising features, i kept thinking, “i had no idea they [the friends selling the house to us] were so wealthy! there is more room here than we could ever need! we need to share this place with people! how will we find enough furniture to fill it?!”. i was overwhelmed by the expansiveness of that territory being given to us to call our own, for a price that was obviously a tiny fraction of it’s real value.
this dream in the past has meant that i’m on the brink of significant growth or healing. that makes sense, after that ugly cry.
this dream this time might also meant that what we’re being given in 2013 — the literal house and the work of the boiler room, both of which come down to us from the same dear and in-it-for-the-long-haul friends — may hold far more value and legacy than we can now comprehend. and there will be room there to expand, to imagine, to share, to discover, to celebrate, to be close.
either interpretation works for me. 🙂
this morning at our wee little church service, ryan delivered a good teaching, complete with a reminder that when God has told you which way to go, you mustn’t ever stop unless He tells you so. circumstances may get as rough and disheartening as they will, but you fix your face in the direction He’s told you to walk and you press on, sister! you press on.
all these things compile to a sweet sense of His nearness, a knowing that He is speaking and stands poised to teach, to rescue, to renew.
i just wanted to make note of all of that. He’s good.