woulda-been 1st birthday

i don’t have a photo for this post because i never got to see her.

but today she would have been one year old, had she been born on her due date, had she been born to me at all.

she was born instead into Jesus’ hands, a necessity i do not pretend to understand. still, i like to know my firstborn is with Him.

i was walking around the neighborhood this morning with my sweet niece and hazel (delight of my heart), and we ran into a neighbor whom i know also lost a baby this spring, and that baby would have been born about now. we’re not close, so i didn’t bring it up, but i felt this sympathy of a hidden understanding between us: she perhaps grieving on this day when she would have become a mother; and i grieving for the 1st birthday that would have been. ironically, this person has a puppy — purchased in the wake of that loss — whose name is the same as the one i had given to my firstborn. they don’t know this.

there’s a lump in my throat today, and i have slipped into tears already twice. somehow, i didn’t expect this. but a friend has suggested that today we bake a cake and celebrate that baby’s birthday…and though i hadn’t planned on so intentionally stopping to commemorate her, it feels right. i think we might do that.


but things come full circle, don’t they?

you see, yesterday was the one-year anniversary of finding out we were pregnant with the incredible little person known as hazel june. my daughter.


3 thoughts on “woulda-been 1st birthday

  1. thanks for the reminder. i lost 2, one before Gabe (which was the first time i realized i could even become pregnant) and one after and before Sabbath. I never calculated the birthdays b/c it was so short lived. But they both deeply impacted my life, my calling as a mother, and my attitude towards everything.

    blessings to your little one, hanging out up there with mine, who i get to meet someday.
    and thanks for a few painful tears.

  2. I recently saw this quote and find it lovely…”A wound is the place where the light enters you.” (from a sufi poem by rumi) Happy birthday, dear Cake! I look forward to seeing you in heaven. We miss you. xo

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