it doesn’t depend so much on me

God’s correction is kind. “faithful are the wounds of a friend,” the wise king said (prov 27:6), and though i suspect he was referring to men, it’s true also with God.

i have fallen prey to some poor theology, friends, and as with most lies that lead us around on leashes, this one also contains some truth. i was believing that when my daughter is born was dependent upon me — me creating the best possible energy around myself, maintaining happiness and peace, getting all things prepared, having nothing left open-ended, keeping relational harmony, avoiding the bad energy of broken and unhealthy people, telling her often that i’m ready for her to come, and opening heart and my body for her passage. and that if i fail on any of these points, i could actually prevent her from being born.

me, me, me. if i did all of these things, surely my little one would have no choice but to come bursting into the world, and probably before her due date even arrived.

there’s still a week to my estimated due date. but i have been on an emotional roller coaster because i’ve been owning this responsibility to usher her into the world. it goes like this:  labor will seem to have made its tentative start, and then  it ceases hours later. i blame myself, searching myself for what i might have done to scare her back inside. then i regroup and try all my techniques with renewed vigor so that perhaps she’ll come the following day. i’m high, then i’m low.

“commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him and He will act. He will bring forth…” (psalm 37:5-6a). HE will act, HE will bring forth. it is HIS voice that speaks life into existence (gen 2:7), HIS breath that sustains it in every moment (acts 17:28), and HIS hands that bring life out from the places it is hidden.

HE, HE, HE. if i do nothing at all but trust in Him, my little one will come bursting into this world at exactly the right time. i cannot thwart it; the words that He sends forth will not return to Him without effect (isaiah 55:11).

i had some repenting to do this morning.

relax, child. be still.

there is an appointed time, a time appointed long before she was even conceived (psalm 139:16). wait for it.

(note: i always recognize the correction of the Holy Spirit because it is accompanied by peace and freedom. though there is conviction strong and sure, there is a marked absence of shame, guilt, and self-punishment.)


2 thoughts on “it doesn’t depend so much on me

  1. I am so glad that you added the note at the end of this post, because living for Him should bring freedom to our lives, not shame, guilt or self-punishment. Those things are what satan uses to defeat us and or testimony.

  2. Amen. 🙂
    This is a good word, although I don’t relate exactly. For us it felt like our son came before we were completely ready to receive him, our preparations half finished or not even started, but God knew the best time, and it was a rich, blessed time. I’m so glad God picked the time instead of us!

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