in these final days

i am reduced to wearing only stretchy knit clothing. i am especially NOT wearing maternity blue jeans. nope, they don’t feel good at all anymore.

i have pregnancy mask that seems to be darkening every day, and i work hard to cover it with make-up each morning. thankfully, most people who notice it assume i’ve been out in the sun with large sunglasses on.

i am talking to my daughter each day about my feelings, my hopes, my wishes for her and for the birth we’re about to go through together.

i am watching home birth videos again, and feeling so inspired by the peace and focus and laboring love of other mothers, and being bolstered in my sense of “i can do this.”

i am feeling gushy with gratitude for my homebirth midwives. seriously, this way of being cared for during pregnancy is unmatched in how personal, empowering, and nurturing it is. sara and jen are going to hold a special place in my heart for a very long time.

i am crying at things that normally would not make me cry, like The Time Traveler’s Wife (movie), after which i said to tim, through tears, “i’m glad you don’t have a time traveling disease!”

i awake in the night with ever-harder braxton hicks contractions that cause me to have to get up and rock on my hands and knees until they dissipate.

i am anxiously keeping track of baby’s position in my womb, and praying for her to move into place.

i am wandering into the completely ready nursery each day to look around and sigh and wish that it were filled with her.

i am bored but don’t want to commit to anything, either. this means i spend a lot of time at home, alone.

i asked tim recently, out of desperate desire for more satisfying sleep, if we could try sleeping in separate places for these last days. we piloted the study last night and i’m not sure it’s going to be very helpful.

i am trying to resist the urge to do online shopping.

i can no longer wash dishes because my belly forces me to do some bizarre stretching/leaning that create pain and tension in my shoulders and back. if i DO do the dishes, i have to stand side-ways to the sink.

i am running out of things to do to further prepare for her arrival.

i am ready for her to come out!

(12 days until due date)

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2 thoughts on “in these final days

  1. awe b! you get to meet your baby soon! — i think that was such an encouraging thought to me as i breathed through contractions! this can be an interesting time in pregnancy…you just don’t know when or where labor will start happening. kind of wake up thinking, maybe today? and one of my thoughts was, i wish i was there to do your dishes and to serve you! but i’m praying for you and baby! much love.

  2. Dearest Brooker,
    It is so hard to wait when you are so ready to get on with this huge transition that you’ve been preparing for over the past so many months. Stop doing dishes, ask for foot massages, rock, read, listen to music, take lots of walks, sleep whereever and however you like. Tell Tim how fortunate you are to have such an understanding husband, even when he doesn’t understand. It will happen soon, and you will wonder why you were in such a hurry. I love you!!! xo mom

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