we’re having a baby

our babe in utero at 9 weeks

the day before our would-have-been due date with baby cake, i took a [second] pregnancy test, out of disbelief, and it had a little plus sign on it again.

i cried. yup, that’s the honest answer, and was my first reaction. it seemed too ironic and like teasing, the timing of it. and, furthermore, we had decided NOT to get pregnant in that month. we were in transition, we were working on a house, i was still grieving baby cake. i didn’t feel like i could handle the emotional roller coaster of being pregnant again. not now.

but these things really aren’t up to us, are they? not really ever, not even when we feel like our actions directly influence them. my mom always told me that all she had to do was think about getting pregnant and then she’d be so. well, maybe i take after her. and maybe i was being sloppy in keeping track of fertility windows. and maybe Papa thought that this timing was exactly just right (as t said, “it feels like a kiss from the Lord. He sees us.”)

so now…

i’m sitting here 12 weeks pregnant, with one ultrasound, and another doppler heart-beat listen under my belt… and it’s looking good. it’s looking as though, in spite of all my worries and fears, this baby is sticking. many times throughout a week, i lay my hand on my womb and that small, invisible being, and i say aloud, “i bless you, baby, in the name of jesus. you are covered in him. may you grow to be strong and well and whole. you are so welcome here.” and i’ve had friends pray over this baby — war, even, over him/her. we rebuke spirits of fear and of death, and choose to believe that God’s intentions are for Life here (like my little friend Kaia prayed over me back in july, “much life!”).and i have to remind myself that this is now part of the work God has given me to do in this season. to give it priority of time and attention is right.

so far…

i haven’t been sick at all, only hopelessly fatigued and weary of heart and desperately hungry. i haven’t gained any weight as of last week’s check in (i don’t weigh myself at home). so it feels surreal, to be sure. i’m caught in disbelief from time to time. my waistline is thickening, but no one seems much to notice except for me.

we plan…

to probably find out the gender at the 20-week ultrasound. and name him/her at that point, too. perhaps publicly. because i want to feel more connected with the personhood of this babe, even now. and we’ll deliver under the care of midwives in a hospital (not my first choice, but seems most practical at this point… the hospital bit, that is).

estimated due date: may 22, 2011.

please pray that he/she doesn’t weigh as much as tim did at birth (over 10 lbs)!

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12 thoughts on “we’re having a baby

  1. such a sweet post. you will be able to share many like these about your prayers for your little one and how this baby will grow and change you and tim. it is such a magical journey. i pray that this baby will be a symbol of God’s light for you. I pray for light.

  2. The wonder of life and the extreme love of parenting – It’s God’s Way and we are celebrating with you Brooke and Tim. Thanks for the sweet post Brooke and we keep the three of you in our prayers

  3. I’m so happy for you guys! And the timing of this reminds me of my mom’s story. They lost their first baby and my oldest sister was born a year later, on that exact same day that she had miscarried (the only one of us born right on her due date). My mom felt like that was God’s way of bringing her healing and redemption to that place of grieving. I pray that this beautiful new life growing in you will be a similar reminder of tender love for you and His nearness through every moment of sorrow and laughter.

  4. what a blessing…thank you Brooke & Tim, for blessing me with another grand-baby to love and get to know…i think that you might have a baby boy, because Justin & Marguerite have a beautiful little girl…we will see what God has planned…

    love you…dad

  5. Hi Brooke!

    Congratulations!! I only know you through your blog (I commented a while back) but it made me so happy to read this! I even told my husband about it haha.

    I would like to ask you a question, if you don’t mind. I am wondering what your thoughts are on birth control vs natural family planning? I am currently taking birth control but I feel so uneducated on the why’s and how-to’s of natural family planning. What was it that made you decide to take that route? I don’t know anyone that is currently practicing it, but would really appreciate to hear your heart/thoughts on the matter.

    Congratulations m’dear! I am excited to read more about your journey!

    -Leslie

  6. YES!! YESSS!!! You were made for this, Miss Brooke. I am so pleased for you & Tim. God is very good.
    I very much understand the teasing thing you mention. Not long after my miscarriage with Psalm I was called back into the doctor’s office for a blood test, then another one, and then a phone call saying it looked like I was pregnant again. We were in such limbo–grieving but happy, too? And the strangest thing is to think we couldn’t have both babies. Psalm had to die for Ransom to be able to come. I’m still working through this, accepting it.
    Again, I am thrilled for you & will be praying for the Collier Clan.

  7. I like Tim’s perspective. The timing seems a reminder that God sees you and an honoring of Baby Cake, too, whose work in this world was planned from before time began. Congratulations!

  8. Congrats!! My husband and I are in a house church with Justin and Marguerite. You are lucky to call them family! 🙂 But Marguerite lead me to your blog when we experienced a miscarriage in May. We, too, are expecting again, and I am so so happy to see you have a little one on the way! It is kind of surreal to still grieve your lost baby, while still being overjoyed with your new little bean growing in your belly. You will be in my prayers! Enjoy your pregnancy and congrats on 2nd trimester!! That is a fantastic milestone!!

    ~ Lindsy

  9. Pingback: woulda-been 1st birthday « first the kingdom

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