the day before our would-have-been due date with baby cake, i took a [second] pregnancy test, out of disbelief, and it had a little plus sign on it again.
i cried. yup, that’s the honest answer, and was my first reaction. it seemed too ironic and like teasing, the timing of it. and, furthermore, we had decided NOT to get pregnant in that month. we were in transition, we were working on a house, i was still grieving baby cake. i didn’t feel like i could handle the emotional roller coaster of being pregnant again. not now.
but these things really aren’t up to us, are they? not really ever, not even when we feel like our actions directly influence them. my mom always told me that all she had to do was think about getting pregnant and then she’d be so. well, maybe i take after her. and maybe i was being sloppy in keeping track of fertility windows. and maybe Papa thought that this timing was exactly just right (as t said, “it feels like a kiss from the Lord. He sees us.”)
i’m sitting here 12 weeks pregnant, with one ultrasound, and another doppler heart-beat listen under my belt… and it’s looking good. it’s looking as though, in spite of all my worries and fears, this baby is sticking. many times throughout a week, i lay my hand on my womb and that small, invisible being, and i say aloud, “i bless you, baby, in the name of jesus. you are covered in him. may you grow to be strong and well and whole. you are so welcome here.” and i’ve had friends pray over this baby — war, even, over him/her. we rebuke spirits of fear and of death, and choose to believe that God’s intentions are for Life here (like my little friend Kaia prayed over me back in july, “much life!”).and i have to remind myself that this is now part of the work God has given me to do in this season. to give it priority of time and attention is right.
i haven’t been sick at all, only hopelessly fatigued and weary of heart and desperately hungry. i haven’t gained any weight as of last week’s check in (i don’t weigh myself at home). so it feels surreal, to be sure. i’m caught in disbelief from time to time. my waistline is thickening, but no one seems much to notice except for me.
to probably find out the gender at the 20-week ultrasound. and name him/her at that point, too. perhaps publicly. because i want to feel more connected with the personhood of this babe, even now. and we’ll deliver under the care of midwives in a hospital (not my first choice, but seems most practical at this point… the hospital bit, that is).
estimated due date: may 22, 2011.
please pray that he/she doesn’t weigh as much as tim did at birth (over 10 lbs)!