on shutting up

i’m getting a little tired of hearing myself talk lately. i’m not feeling wise or profound or salty. i’m feeling bland and dull… and actually relatively unsure about almost everything right now apart from the pressing feeling that my Father is working something deep in me that can’t yet be articulated.

i used to think of my blog, though i feel silly admitting it, as a fountain of emotional transparency paired with spiritual depth and insight. i wrote for myself, and i wrote what was true, i but i think i thought i was doing you (readers) some sort of small service by my writing. whether or not that is accurate, i’ll let you determine.

but i’m running out of things to say. i’m silenced by the mystery that life is right now; the mystery that God Himself is in the midst of it. I’m a bit tired, truthfully, of working to chase down my Life Calling and to walk in step with the Spirit. i’m certain that it’s not supposed to be that tiring (“my yoke is easy and my burden is light. you’ll find rest for your souls,” He said), which means i’m doing something wrong. i know Him well enough to know that He will not lose me. but, still, something is off.

the remedy? to pray more, to concentrate on hearing His voice, to get into circles of fellowship that will challenge me, to worship with other people, to take a retreat? well, most of that feels like more striving. so, i’m opting to shut up instead. to shut up with the internal dialogue AND  with the verbose musings.

my prayers these days are more about the posture of my heart than the words i speak (or don’t). but i’m praying. in fact, i know that He’s near right now and doing something vital. but i’m just at a loss for words.

posts for a little bit here will probably be “shallow” and focused more on ordinary day-to-day things.


5 thoughts on “on shutting up

  1. Dear Brooker,
    I have heard this saying a few times and am always convicted by it: God have us two ears and one mouth for a reason. Personally, I am trying to listen more and say less…not easy for one with my personality, verbal tendencies, and passionate opinions. When I do so, I learn so much about others, and that illuminates my self. Then, my words are fewer but possibly more well-placed and compassionate.

    I love your writing…whether you are feeling wise, profound or tired, silenced…and enjoy hearing you when you come from not only from a place of strength, but also a place of vulnerability and uncertainty. Maybe you could write about listening, resting, waiting and leave working, striving to someone else for a while. And you don’t need to feel guilt about that, you know. love you loads! xo mom

  2. In the times when I’m unsure about a lot in my life (or about pretty much everything, like right now), I’m encouraged by the song “Simple Devotion” from Misty Edwards, particularly the verse that says:

    And then I hear You say
    As You gaze over the balcony of heaven
    I hear You say as You peer through the lattice of time
    I hear You say as You stand in heaven
    I hear You say as You rejoice over me
    “O Angels! O Angels! Look and see!
    Through that dark night of faith
    She is gazing at Me!
    O Angels! O Angels! Look and see!
    Through that cloud of unknowing
    She’s gazing at Me!
    And You have ravished My heart
    My sister, My bride
    With one glance of your eye!”

    I’m reminded that God doesn’t expect us to have it all figured out, but He loves to see our persistence and faithfulness in pursuing Him, especially through those clouds of unknowing.

    And you HAVE done me a small — and sometimes large — service by writing. I love hearing your honesty, vulnerability, and wisdom (because yes, your words do carry wisdom, in a deep and quiet way). I’m always glad to see when you’ve written something, partly because it almost always resonates with something I’ve been struggling with or pondering or experiencing. So I hope you continue to write, even when things seem unclear and unsure.

    I’m praying for you as you go through this process of letting God root Himself deeply in your life. Many blessings!

    • would you believe that the day before you left this comment, i’d been soaking in a song by her that had a lot of the same lines in it. and it really ministered to me. you then quoting it to me seemed to say, “yes, this is really for me right now.”

  3. Hi Brooke,
    Your post makes me think of another song that says,

    You are God in heaven, and here am I on earth
    So I’ll let my words be few
    Jesus, I am so in love with you

    The simplest of all love songs
    I want to sing to you
    So I’ll let my words be few
    Jesus, I am so in love with you

    I’m feeling a little tired of my own words and thoughts these days (ready to take a vacation from my problems!) Sometimes, maybe the most profound thing to be said is –nothing. Or just “I love you”.

    And now I will go listen to some Misty Edwards.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s