i feel like it’s time to write again in this space. and i think that i’ll do that as though you are sitting across from me, dear reader, and i am talking your ear off, perhaps as we sip our glasses of wine (this is when i tend to get the most talkative and reflective).
today has been a good day. a day of rest, especially internally, which is nice for a change, and rare. and i was happy today to be out and about a bit in this lovely city of madison. t and i went out for breakfast and talked about the move to MI and the lack of clarity surrounding the particulars of what it will be like when we get there, or where we’ll live, or what work we’ll be doing. and we realized that we were very excited about the idea of being a house mom and dad: owning a big old house and filling it’s spare rooms with single folks who want to stay a while and be our family, having meals together and perhaps prayer rhythms, and helping one another follow jesus. and then also having a door and hands open to strangers who need a little love. and but now that the house we had dreamed that all of this would happen in seems unlikely to be in our possession in the near future, we feel a bit disconnected from an ability to picture our life there in stockbridge. do we move into a small apartment and wait and see? do we buy a different house, perhaps smaller, or bigger but a bit further away? we have a zillion questions.
but the rest of today was sort of about forgetting those questions, or maybe just releasing them. i am not very good at releasing my questions. i prefer to stay with them until the bitter end, engaging them with all my powers until they finally are answered. but i think this exhausts me and everyone close to me. so i’m trying to stop that.
we went to the ultimate st. vinnie’s thrift store today, too, called “dig ‘n save.” it’s huge boxes full of clothes and linens to be rummaged through. we filled up a shopping cart with cottage-y feeling bed spreads, vintage sheets, and shirts for us both. and when we rolled the cart onto the scale to be weighed, it was 16 lbs, which meant we had to pay $16 for all of it. also, we got a great vintage cedar-lined chest. it’s bright red, but i’ll paint it antique white.
then we got baby-size french presses at the green owl and journaled, read, and thought. it felt like it had been so long since i’d allowed myself the un-hurried time to do that. and that was very good. only as i read through old entries from january until now, i noticed this thread of false starts: so many things we thought were beginning, and which were abruptly ended. like the hobo church of last fall, the house a few blocks from here that we thought we could afford, and the pregnancy with baby cake. all of this made me feel sad. i don’t want any more false starts.
BUT, He commands my heart. and in all of these things, i am learning to stick with Him, to not be swayed by the beginnings and the endings. and that is a good thing to walk away with, i think.
also, reading through my journal i see how long and how intensely i have been longing for a house to call our own. there have been different variations on it. first it was that little house in this neighborhood, that would be our own, but a short walk from the rest of our madison community. then it was the dream of a little house in the country, which i knew didn’t quite fit, but boy o boy did i ever want it. and then i dreamed for a brief while about a house here in madison to share with 4 other friends. and then it was (is) the house that we put an offer on the day i turned 30, which we found out this week isn’t likely to happen. and now i am flirting with dreams of this little two-bedroom house nearby that one. i can’t seem to shake the longing for a house.
we’ve been reading this evening. and thinking. and being still.
there’s a chocolate cake in the kitchen waiting to be eaten. after we’ve digested our brown rice, black beans, and guacamole.
and that was our today + a few rabbit trails.