grace on the inside

it’s been a while.

here’s where i’ve been living: in the assurance that He is home, He is is hope. wherever He is, there is Life. and wherever i go, there He is.

so, His presence and His favor are unshakeable and unescapable. at any moment, through faith alone, i have access to the riches of His storehouse, the authority of His name, and the fruit of His Spirit.

and, along with this, i am dropping my agendas. i mean, really, i think something has clicked deep within my spirit in this regard. (“it’s about time!” said one who knows me well when i told her this). see, i used to make up elaborate ´╗┐job descriptions for myself, which outlined all the sweet things i was going to do for the kingdom of God. they were based around ideals and principles that were not wrong, only wrongly emphasized. i did this when i moved to the stockbridge boiler room over two years ago and i did this when i moved to madison last year. you know how that worked out for me? mostly i got disappointed, disillusioned, and burnt out. i think i felt a lot like that boat being tossed back and forth on the waves, with an anchor too insubstantial to moor me.

now, looking at the road before us, which includes some significant change, i am not writing a job description. no, not this time. i am not working out all the details in my imagination ahead of time. i will offer my hands, my heart, my words my talents, my self to my jesus, and then i will see what work He brings to me. to us.

for the first time, i feel peaceful about that. i am more comfortable with the unfinished picture than i would ever be in my own nature. which means, decidedly, that it is only He in me who has ushered in that peace.

whether i feed the poor, safe-house the orphan, shelter the pilgrim, fight for justice, photograph the lovely, heal the sick, pray for the lost, disciple His followers, go into training, keep house birth children, live in community… i will do it with a glad heart. but i don’t think that it is mine to choose which of these tasks to put my hands to. and… and on none of these pursuits is my confidence resting, my identity, my joy.

all this time – all throughout this difficult year – He has been working things in me. i have no illusions of having earned it because all the ways in which i would have assured myself that i was best positioned to receive His attention or to be transformed have been lacking this year. i have not lived in daily prayer rhythms, been in a Bible study, worshiped often, attended church, served the poor, lived in community, or trusted Him alone (no job) for income. nope, i have not been a rock star Christian this year. but you know what? His grace isn’t dependent on me being a rock star Christian. it’s free.

today i am marveling a bit at the miracle He has wrought in my spirit. and only He. this inward change is quiet, it is understated, and it is also foundational.

He has readied me. is readying me, still.


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