let me be honest: lots of things feel hard right now, and i feel overwhelmed frequently. i feel still so aimless and unsure of who we are and the work we’re doing in the world. so, i find myself thinking a lot about how nice it would be to go to bed, or to have a snow day that enables me to not have to go to work, or to get a cold so that i have an excuse to skip evening commitments and rest instead. oh, i want to rest. i don’t want to lead or pioneer. i don’t feel like being a good friend, or a good cook, or even a good wife.
there are reasons for this. and knowing the reasons keeps me from becoming dismayed; i know that it will pass. so, of course i will continue on, in spite of how i feel.
but, there are still true concerns/longings present in me, which, though shrouded in a thick cloud of emotion, are real. and worth hearing.
like, for one thing, i think it’s highly probable that we started out our marriage over-committed, and to such a variety of enterprises, that our head spaces are always trying to hold 5 things at once, and often we feel we aren’t doing any of them well. and so when t says for the sixth time that he wishes he could “just be married,” and when i still find the thought of a move to the country appealing… well, maybe it’s indicative of a need for a little less breadth of involvement. maybe.
so, i want LESS. i want to be released from a lot of expectations and striving. i want less pressure to perform. AND… thought it may seem contradictory, i also want MORE.
and i can’t shake this longing, the one that haunts me from time to time in the most ordinary of moments… this longing for MORE. this sense that really there HAS to be more. i mean this in a spiritual sense, mostly. i have known what it is to have the Spirit leaping and doing cartwheels in me, to have my heart captured by His beauty, and to see my community transformed and experiencing miracles of healing and provision. i have tasted and seen and cannot forget. and yet these things feel so. very. far. off. i feel stagnate and stale.
the other night i had a dream. it was peculiar, but then suddenly i knew what it meant while i was crying in the shower. in the dream, someone beckoned me away from whatever i was doing and took me to a window. he pointed out, and it was a view down the street behind where i live, towards hobo church. but the most notable thing in the view was the LIGHT. it was the light that photographers dream of: softly tinted, diffused, and brilliant. it made the trees glow. we walked around the perimeter of the building then, which was all windows. and i surveyed the sweeping view of Madison. it wasn’t lovely in its own right, and there were actually some ugly/violent scenes unfolding beneath my eyes. but the LIGHT. (oh, if you could see the light)! it was stunning, and carried with it such deep peace, so that i kept whispering under my breath, “Thank you, God. Thank you.”
and i think that this dream was about how when the Light breaks forth in a place, no matter how messy/unsure/ugly/violent, it can make you breathless with gratitude.
and i want that Light. i want it to come in full glory over all the terrain of my life. so i will keep asking for it: “oh, jesus, how i want your Light. please. please. please.”
post script: i love my husband. he is worth whatever has been sacrificed to be married to him and to live with him where he is. i have work that i really like doing and ministry that is satisfying. our apartment is a sweet place. and in spite of how i FEEL, i will continue to press on.