meandering update

curtain-and-frame

there are few things that i like more these days than an afternoon at home, free to get lost in the myriad projects that fill my head space these days. like:

  • to get in the kitchen and make a big batch of something lovely from our CSA share to tuck into the freezer so it can be pulled out on a much colder day and remind our mouths of summer time.
  • to catch up on the post-processing of all the gorgeous images my camera has been accumulating since april.
  • to work on my new photo project and its accompanying blog.
  • to clean, rearrange, put away, and decorate this small space that we now call home.
  • to document this new life and relationship in journals, blogs, and letters.
  • to pack t’s lunch, make the coffee, plan the menus that will fill our bellies with nutrients.

and all of it is very domestic and cozy. these activities have value because they are for t, they are for us.

we have been quiet in this space. sorry for the lack of words. i haven’t known quite what to say.

t, it seems, was made for marriage. he’s like a fish in water. it has elevated him somehow, this being a husband thing. he’s steady and sure, he’s inspired and focused. he is also more tender than ever before. he carries my weight with him wherever he goes, so that i know that each decision he makes — whether about commitments, tasks, time, or conversations — he is considering me as heavily as himself. he washes me with his words, drops everything to hold me in his arms when i come home, listens to me cry (and doesn’t take it personally).

in many ways, i’m quite sure that my husband is a far better human being than i am. the same humility, patience, restful confidence, resilient joy, and kingdom heart orientation that drew me to him continue to be what holds me to him. whenever i get too haughty on my high horse about my character or talents, i need only to slow down and see him again for who he is: a rabbi to me, if i’ll have him.

we’re working through things, none of it noteworthy in content. we’re negotiating time, balancing relationships, developing sustainable schedules, and working toward unity on our intimacy. sometimes it feels very hard indeed. but we knew these things would come, and that same sense of being somehow carried by Papa, which has been present from the moment we laid eyes on one another, continues to keep us. we’re safe inside these kind ties of covenant with one another and with jesus.

i have a husband who mops floors, cleans toilets, takes care of my cooking messes, and does the laundry. he also fills the cars with gas, remembers about oil changes, deposits checks, sets up insurance policies, and makes me have conversations about finances when i’m practicing avoidance.

i want to see t play music more often. with those three guitars, that bi-tonal voice of his, and all the dreams tucked in his pocket for Someday, i hope that he’ll take hold of that life-giving pursuit once more. i hope that he’ll read more theology books and find forums to teach and discuss it. again, because it’s something God’s put in him to bring him to life and he’d be better off for it.

our house is filled with wonderful things. we’ve been pleased with how we were gifted by our friends and family surrounding our marriage. the gifts from our registries have all proved to be good choices, and those off the registries were creative and artful. it feels like everything has a purpose and a home and there is no extraneous clutter to tend with. in fact, we’ve been simplifying; we’re shedding all those things that aren’t being regularly used and redefining what we’ll choose to be sentimental about. there’s part of me that feels like people shouldn’t have storage spaces because whatever is in storage is probably unnecessary about 90% of the year. i have wanted to travel lightly through this world, and to be mobile should the Lord ever call us outward again. so there it is.

i love my pots and pans. they are so sexy. they are probably my favorite wedding gift (thanks Dad and Vicki)!.the other day i had a dream in which they were damaged/lost in a senseless act of destruction and my emotional reaction in the dream seemed a little disproportionate. perhaps i am TOO fond of them! 😉

t has a co-leader for campus wisconsin now. his name is dayne. they two of them are hosting a big state-wide gathering here in october for students who are already planting or are interested in planting prayer rooms on their campuses. he also has an intercessor committed to praying for the students and leaders involved in this “simple call to prayer” that is campus america.

i’ve started mentoring four amazing younger women who are here to do Transit this year. and, along with joe and jake, am helping to shape and direct their year-long program here. danielle, larissa, maria, and corinna are already challenging and delighting me. and i’m remember again that i was built for this sort of intensive relational work. i know it because though i may feel burdened by the thought of spending an afternoon engaged in that work, it never fails to energize and excite me once i’m into it. i’m grateful to be doing something life-giving.

mentoring others has got be thinking afresh about the one who invested herself in me all of last year. jenn always saw right into my sophisticated facades and eloquent words… right to the heart of the matter, where she could always boldly call things as they were and redirect me with discerning sharpness back to the truth of a thing. she was wise and kind in how she discipled me. i carry so much of the life she imparted to me with me now. now i begin to see what might perhaps have been her side of our discipleship sessions, and i have a deepened respect for her. and i am hungry to have someone invest in me like that again, especially as i am turning around to invest in four other lives (in fact, i think it’s necessary). so, i asked anell, who is also the intercessor for campus wisconsin, if she’d consider filling that gap in my relational landscape… and she said yes. already i feel lighter because of it, though we’ve not yet set up a meeting schedule.

well, i’ve rambled on enough for now, i think. i’ll try not to let it go so long between posts next time.

now it’s time to make a roasted sweet pepper puree and edit some senior portraits.

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One thought on “meandering update

  1. I just knew that you would love those pots & pans. It makes me happy to know that you are so enamored with them. Looking forward to seeing you at the shower.

    Dad and Vicki

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