i knew it would come quickly, but this feels sudden almost. (yet not, because the timing of all of this has been just exactly right.)
a while back, when t and i were doing some listening prayer about “next steps” in our relationship, i heard God whisper that it would be just fine to seek some pre-marital counsel from the folks we had been considering asking for it, but that He would be our marriage counselor mostly. this has turned out to be rather true.
t reflected the other day that it seems like each week the Holy Spirit brings another hot topic to the surface for us, and then guides us straight into the thick of it in conversation, accompanied by present-moment object lessons. we’ve had “sessions” now on ministry/purpose, money, sex, and family. under the wise and reckless tutelage of the Counselor, we’re cramming into 3 months what an average couple spends 6 months to a year addressing.
do you know that on the day i walk down the aisle to t waiting at the alter, i will have known him for almost exactly 9.5 months? and why we are not having panic attacks over this, i do not know. but i do know that my love for him — in commitment and in feeling — is expanding in my heart more and more as the Day approaches on which I will covenant my life to his (my best friend, my love, my partner and provision).
i am finding that i love t with a fierce enjoyment that bubbles over with laughter. it is a warm-footed love (as opposed to getting “cold feet”) that sends me hurrying into his embrace again and again. i love him with a confidence i didn’t know i was capable of, and an immeasurable gratitude for him being just exactly who he is, and his being in this with me.
i love the way he smiles with an utter lack of self-consciousness, like a small boy who is very pleased by the situation he finds himself in. i love his gentleness and presence with people, his generosity with praise, and his willingness to be inconvenienced. i love when he plays the guitar in the living room and the way he does the dishes after we’ve had dinner, with just a small trickle of water because he’s thinking of the kids in uganda who haven’t got any.
every wednesday t brings me flowers from the little flower shop down the street from my work. all the girls are jealous. the way that t loves me has effectively demonstrated to many female acquaintances that a man can be good.
and here’s one more thing that i’m learning these days: that this is my seed season (again?). it’s a season of descent back into dark and quiet places. a season of stillness and waiting, whilst receiving nourishment.
see, i’m NOT managing the Winnebago House this year. I’m NOT going to be teaching Transit classes. I DON’T have a homeless ministry. I am NOT working as a partner alongside Tim on Campus America. I am NOT living in intentional community (or won’t be starting next month), and i’m BARELY keeping prayer rhythms. none of my life here in Madison has turned out as I thought that it would.
here’s what i AM doing: i’m loving Tim, planning a wedding, learning to be a wife, dreaming about making a home, baking gluten-free pancakes and breads, working as a cook for small children in a day care, occasionally helping a quadriplegic woman in her home, shooting a wedding here and there, and trying to accept/love my housemates and boiler room co-leaders as they are. and i’m waiting for hope and vision to dawn.
jenn, who is one of the wisest people that i know, penned this little note to me at a bridal shower last weekend:
“God always calls us to Him before He sends us out. He did this when you were single, and He’s doing this with you and your husband. so draw close, together, to Jesus, and trust that He will send you out when there’s work He wants you to do.”
sometimes we drop all the wedding and ministry talk and take a walk or a bike ride to one of the lakes. we sit a long while and are sure to maintain lingering eye contact. it’s important to look into one another and remember who we’re going through all this fuss for. he’s worth it.
and on top of all of this, we’ve been given a car. as a wedding gift. for free, and with no strings attached.
my Father loves me a lot.