winter, work, and yes

yesterday the first snow flurried through shards of sunlight and clusters of golden leaves.

i can’t believe it’s already that time of year: the front end of the 4-month midwest winter season. grey, cloudy, built of short days, and very cold. here we go. thanksgiving is just a couple of weeks away, and then we all know how quickly thereafter christmas arrives. it seems to surprise me each year with its coming.

and hazel will be six months old at the start of December. six. months. old. !!. it’s been half a year of loving this little girl and of watching her unfold, and half a year of having my daily rhythms, my body, my heart, and my very identity shift shape.

change is the only constant, someone once said.

it’s not too soon to look ahead to january. in fact, we have already begun. we have begun to look ahead because january will bring with it a shift in tim’s work (and mine, too, to a lesser extent). beginning in january, tim will work twice as many hours in boiler room leadership* and half as many  hours with his “normal” job at Hope Network. this won’t change much in terms of the total number of hours each week that he is working, but it shifts a greater percentage of our annual income into the land of faith. see, the truth is that the boiler room doesn’t have any money except for that which is provided from donors and grants and the hand of God. and if the boiler room ever doesn’t have enough money, we don’t get a paycheck (this has almost happened twice this year, but both times, at the eleventh hour, we all got paid after all!). with more of our total hours of work being with the boiler room next year, a higher percentage of our total annual income is not guaranteed.

(though whose is, anyway? in the economy we’re all living in, none of us are on very stable ground, even if we’d like to forget that fact.)

also, we need a new furnace. also, we need to GIVE AWAY MONEY AND RESOURCES because, to our embarrassment, we haven’t been letting these things flow from our hands in the way that someone who understands that nothing they have is their own ought to do. i feel downright congested for lack of giving. so, we’re gearing up to give a bit… give until it makes us a little uncomfortable. between the giving and the furnace and the “health insurance” we finally just signed up for, our cushion is rapidly shrinking. things don’t feel as comfy and secure.

nearly four years ago, when i first stepped out of the normal economy in which one gets a job and earns a paycheck from the business for which he/she works, i would get freaked out about a change like the one we’re about to make. i would get freaked out often, sick to my stomach with worry and dread that a bill would come up that i could not pay, that i was being irresponsible and a burden to others. i would sit over the numbers and crunch and re-crunch them and try to figure ways of scrounging and skimping to get by. that’s called a poverty mentality, folks.

you know what? i’m not freaking out this time. not deeply, and never for long. this time i have a million past experiences to remind me that He will never leave us high and dry, that He has always brought us the funds and resources we needed as we follow Him as best as we know how. always. i rest in that experiential knowing. so in some ways i’m writing this as a small testimony to celebrate how far we’ve come, Papa and i. that poverty mentality has been slowly starving to death in recent years.

actually, i’m a little excited about it, too. i’ve been reading a book (a book that i tried to avoid reading because i knew it would mess with me, and i wasn’t sure i wanted to be messed with) called Kisses From Katie, which is written by a 22 year-old girl who left her entire upper-middle class life to live like Jesus in a Uganda where, by His grace and provision, she has adopted 14 girls and begun a ministry that sends 400 children to school and feeds another 1500 or so. all within 4 years. and as i read her story — even the parts about taking near-dead babies to hospitals, carving jiggers out of the soles of children’s feet, and taking in widows dying of AIDS — i feel a little jealous! jealous because over and over again, on a near-daily basis, she is getting to KNOW the power and the compassion of Jesus! she is getting to experience that grace that is sufficient for her in the midst of her weakness, even and especially when she is in way over her head.

when was the last time i felt in over my head, to the point that i had to cling to Him, needed Him to show up or else the entire operation would absolutely become a disaster? it’s been a while. in fact, i think it was this season, when i first moved into the boiler room as an intern three and a half years ago and had 8-12 recovering addicts living in our houses. (i also felt that way for a couple of months after hazel was born)! but really, it’s been a while. could i live that way again, as a woman who is a wife and a mother?

i don’t think that just having more of our income come from a no-fundraising non-profit’s budget is going to accomplish that sort of radical dependence on and experience of the Living Christ. that is still a very small risk indeed, once you get used to it, and compared to other risks.

but what if i started to say YES, like Katie, to every person who comes my way each day. YES to helping them in whatever small way i can, just for that moment. YES to being present and listening. YES to sharing myself and the gospel. i wonder where that would lead?

what if we opened up our hearts and our home wider than feels logical or comfortable?

*i’ll write more at another time on the particulars and specifics of what tim’s new work with the boiler room will be.

we are well paid

i am guilty of slipping into vocalized fear about having enough to get by on the small income that we have. truthfully, twice in the last three weeks i have been in tears of worry and self-pity over the bottom-of-the-barrel numbers in our checking and savings accounts. i know that we chose this life, this small income, it’s not that we can be called victims of an unjust system. technically, i know we could probably move a few rungs up on the ladder, but that isn’t where our Father has led us, and so that isn’t where we’ve gone.

but in these times when i give into fear, or talk too loudly about limited income, or mention all those things we “can’t afford,” i paint this picture that makes it seem like to follow Jesus is almost akin to being an economic martyr.

it isn’t.

i need to give testimony to this: we are paid well; we are living in abundance. our boss is our Dad, and our Dad is very rich.

this morning, as every morning, i ate fresh fruit, organic eggs, and wholesome homemade kefir. i drove a really nice car (borrowed) to the chiropractor’s office and got an adjustment that i didn’t have to pay for. i’ve gone out to a coffee shop and sipped a hot chai latte twice this week. last week we had to buy a new water heater, but because we had just gotten our WI tax return, we had just enough to pay for it without accruing any debt at all. without help, we were able to come up with all the funds necessary to make a down payment on our home, and to fix it up. and we got a washer and a drier, as well as all the furniture for our baby’s nursery, given to us. we haven’t missed a single payment on any bill in the course of our marriage for lack of funds. we get to have people over for dinner and host pilgrims generously; we get to visit spiritual and biological family in other cities just as much as anyone. and as i sit here writing this, i am devouring an entire bar of organic milk chocolate.

the Lord is my shepherd, i shall want for nothing. i will trust Him and not be afraid.

His provision always comes, and always in perfect time. sometimes it comes through the offer of a job for pay, or picking up an extra shift at work. sometimes He prompts someone to share/give to us items that we need, or to just give us cash. sometimes we get checks from unexpected sources for odd reasons (like a refund check for having overpaid on car insurance). sometimes things are on sale. sometimes we’re able to barter services. and through it all, He is teaching us to revel in the beauty and freedom of simplicity and thrifting. and He shows our hearts what is really necessary and what is not, giving us grace to let go of the frills.

i am wealthy. my goodness, i am so rich.

forgive me for all the times that i slip into fear and worry and self-pity, because it always turns out to be unnecessary.

hear this: being in the family business with Papa is a secure livelihood; it is stable employment in a depressed economy. and it comes with the best work environment and co-workers imaginable.

whatever small sacrifices we have made, or sacrifices we are now making to be obedient to Jesus, we have received it all back and then some, both here on earth and one day in heaven. it’s joy.

I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing.

(Psalm 37:25-26)

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

(Philippians 4:11-13)

some thoughts on wealth

we don’t have a very big income (though technically we’re pretty safely above the poverty line, i can’t believe there are people who manage to live at the official poverty level without necessarily relying on social welfare options… but that’s a whole other rant). but know what’s funny is that i hardly ever notice it, the small income. i don’t feel like someone who’s poor. maybe it’s because we haven’t bought into aspects of the american dream that cost lots of money and then make you feel poor because you can’t attain them. we haven’t placed much value on new vehicles, gym memberships, eating out, yearly vacations, cable television (or television at all), or new clothes every season. and somethings that many would consider essential we’ve decided to risk going without (like full coverage health insurance or life insurance or regular doctors appointments). and besides all that, we’ve gotten to see how Papa provides for us in all the necessities and even some frivolous things.

so the only time i feel poor is probably christmas time, when i’d like to do special things and give lovely gifts. or when i’m wishing for an international vacation. or when the car needs repairs unexpectedly and we have to empty our savings account to cover them.

the other night in evening prayer, unbeknownst to me, maria was wrestling with God over the fact that He seemed to be nudging her to nudge the rest of us to spend some time praying about finances. she had just gotten done saying, “oh, but can’t you send someone else?!” when i said aloud to the group, “i have an idea… i think that we should write on small pieces of paper whatever financial concerns we have… put them in the middle and pray over them together.” ha! so there it was. and each person present in the prayer room spent a couple solid minutes scribbling down all the places where they have any worry of any sort about money (which tells me we’ve all got these worries). we piled those things in the middle, stretched out our hands over them and prayed aloud, simultaneously, for several minutes. we recalled the goodness and the wealth of God, His character as a father who delights to give good gifts to His kids, and we asked Him to make a way for us, to cover our needs in a way that reminds us afresh of His capacity and kindness. then we burned those pieces of paper, symbolically leaving our concerns in the ashes. we laughed.

so when i think about some of the things i’d love to do in the near future — buy a house, have a baby, upgrade my camera equipment, travel to africa — and all the associated costs of those things…. i have no idea where that money’s gonna come from. i don’t have a plan. but i love knowing that we can step out in faith and confidently work towards having that house and that baby and that missions trip even though we haven’t got any idea how we’ll fund it. because we’re not making decisions based around money or lack thereof, we’re making decisions based on what the Father says.

seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well…

meantime, i’m wealthy. no doubt about it. if i had to choose great material wealth with relational depravity OR limited material wealth with relational fullness, i would certainly choose the latter. and have.