anja noelle

my newest little niece was born to my brother justin and my sister-in-love marguerite on may 1st.

she was born the morning after my own birthday, thereby making her the best birthday gift perhaps ever.

and i was honored to be in the room when she was born, and to have the satisfaction of seeing her placed on her mama’s chest, first thing. to hear her first cries, to see her brand new naked little body, to hug her daddy in his joy.

today she is three days old. i took a few more photos of her bathed and clothed. she has loads of near-black hair, and a pouty little mouth that looks a lot like her big sister’s. 

waiting for babies and celebrating my own

i am waiting for babies to be born. four of them, in fact. four babies due this month, one to my dear cousin in philadelphia, who is already 12 days past her estimated due date, so i can only imagine the emotional space she is occupying as she waits for little August to make his debut. another one is due to my cousins in the lansing area, and i will be going to the birth to photo-document it. and two more due to women i only recently met, but whom are allowing me the privilege of coming into their homes and documenting with my camera the miracles of small lives being born into their homes. i am carrying my cell phone close at all times, awaiting the calls announcing labor has begun, so that i can begin to pray and to pack my camera bag.

my own baby turned 9 months old on thursday. she is sitting on the rug in the living room right now, talking happily to herself and playing with her toys, stopping to look at me and laugh. she understands “can mama have a kiss?” and “where is da?” and “do you want some mama milk?” and “goodnight” and “more”. it’s incredible to see her respond to words, to begin to comprehend their meaning, and to respond accordingly. how does this happen?! it astounds me.

she has begun to take steps within the last two weeks. she’s getting rather good at it. i haven’t got a good photograph of her in action yet, because both of my hands are occupied with holding hers will she makes her way across the room. she wants to stand and to practice walking all the time these days, which is a lot of spotting and supporting work for me. still, she does not crawl. not even a bit; she just wails whenever she finds herself in the unfortunate position of being on her belly.

she loves thai food and roasted chickpeas, egg yolks and strawberries, and to drink water out of her own little cup.

her hobbies include pulling all the books off her bookcase, playing peek-a-boo by averting or covering her face then popping out with an expectant smile, being turned upside down over and over, dancing to music with strong hand-drum rhythms, eating food, and playing with toddlers.

what a miracle this continues to be.

 

born // birth photography

i am so very excited to begin photographing births this year! after having my own photographed, and knowing what sweetness it has been to have those images to look back at and to aid me in reconnecting with my experience of giving birth to hazel… well, i want to be able to offer that gift to other women, too. in the interest of full disclosure, i will tell you that i have not yet photographed a birth, though i am confident in my capacity to do it well both because i have the right gear (read: camera/lenses that perform well in low light without a flash!) and because being with people in the midst of significant emotional/spiritual/physical experiences is something that i do well.

so, if you’d like to join the three other beautiful mamas who are already having me photography their births, and allow me incredible honor of photographing your birth, please choose any of the following three packages and knock the price down by 50%. we can, of course, sit down and talk it over before you officially commit. (note: offer good for only the first two respondents who end up booking me. some restrictions may apply). spread the word!

package A – $700

• labor/deliver coverage through 1.5 hours after birth  (up to 8 hours, 50+ images)
• maternity session in last month of pregnancy (1 hour, 30+ images)
• newborn session within 1 month of birth (1 hour, 30+ images)
• CD of all edited images w/ copyright permissions for printing AND web-sized, watermarked images for sharing online (facebook/blog)
• slideshow on DVD (3 copies) and posted on private youtube link

 package B – $450

• labor/delivery coverage through 1 hour after birth (up to 6 hours, 50+ images)
• your choice of maternity OR newborn session (1 hour, 30+ images)
• CD of web-sized, watermarked images for sharing online (facebook/blog)
• slideshow on DVD and posted to private youtube link

package C – $300

• labor/delivery coverage through 1 hour after birth (up to 5 hours, 50+ images)
• CD of web-sized, watermarked images for sharing online (facebook/blog)
• slideshow on DVD and posted to a private youtube link

optional add-ons

• complete, boxed set of 4×6 “proofs” — $50
• additional prints made through my pro lab — 20% off a la cart rates for prints
• rights to all edited images w/ copyright permissions for printing — $100

NOTES:

• we’ll sit down before you book me and we’ll talk about all your expectations and hopes for how your birth will go and how you see me (the photographer) moving in and out of your birth experience. it’s a collaboration.
• i take the role of a mostly silent, unobtrusive observer. my goal is that when your birth is through, you will have almost no memory of my presence, and certainly not any memories of me uncomfortably close up with a camera.
• i schedule no more than two births in a month (with due dates at least 2 weeks apart) in order to maximize my ability to be available. i will be on call around the clock for the ten days leading up to your due date and ten days after.
• all photography will be done with available light only. you don’t need any flashes going off to distract you as you labor, nor blinding delicate new-born eyes.
• i am happy to photograph any kind of birth: hospital, c-section, home birth, or birth center. for now, i am only taking on births within 20 minutes of Grand Rapids, MI.

 

hazel’s birth story

ladies and gentlemen, at long last, i offer you hazel’s birth story.

it’s a bit long, just like my labor was. settle in for a slow read.

 

ps: you can watch the beautifully-crafted photo slideshow my doula created here.

pps: same doula is doing an artprize entry this year on the subject of birth. her bio and description of her project is here.

here is jesus

anne lamott, in her book “operating instructions: a journal of my son’s first year,” a book that tim sometimes reads aloud to me and hazel during feedings, wrote, “this, a man scrubbing a new mother’s bathtub, is what jesus means to me.” yes, Jesus who came to serve, not to be served.

i haven’t put my birth story up here yet (and i will eventually do that, i promise), but the recovery part has been about lots of dependence as I adjust to new motherhood, while also sporting an injured leg, some war wounds, and lost blood. many moments i’ve felt completely in over my head.

but here is Jesus:

my mom flexing her work time to come stay with us, bringing us breakfast (and lunch and dinner) in bed and keeping the house in running order for days

my husband cleaning up after me when i lost control of my bladder, without even making me feel embarrassed, and tenderly standing by me so that i can shower safely

jeremy and dustin mowing our lawn without being asked

harvey wrangling up a team of friends from love feast to help remove all the bags of old sod from our new garden before it killed the lawn sitting there

charis photo-documenting two events that i really longed to be at but couldn’t; she did it so i could feel as though i had been there

coop making me beans and rice with avocados for lunch on the first day tim was back to work and i was alone with hazel

jenn delivering her homemade granola and good reading material, and more importantly descending on our house at the end of a particularly hard day to soothe our inconsolable girl and to pray over us all in such a way that the shalom came swiftly in and did not depart until morning

tony holding hazel after morning prayer and whispering over her what i can only assume were blessings and prayers, because that’s what tony would be whispering

heather bringing me marie catrib’s for lunch and eating it in bed with me while cuddling my girl

marguerite’s amused compassion as she soothes a sobbing mother (me) who feels like her life has just been ruined and will never be the same again

justin being so obviously proud and pleased and uncle, as well as one other unspecified act of kindness

my uncle chuck driving over from lansing to give me a much-needed chiropractic adjustment in the comfort of my own bed, twice

friends from the boiler room coming by each day at 10 am to ask us what chores they can do (sweep and mop floors, laundry, move furniture, do dishes, take out trash)

chelsea staying past her volunteer helper hour, during which she changed the sheets and cleaned the bathroom, and finding more things to do that i did not ask her to do

lea and dustin bringing over sun tea from across the ally on a hot evening and cooing at hazel

nick calling from the farmer’s market to see if i need anything, and then bringing it

friends signing up to bring us meals more days than not, and meals that are really special and thoughtful, like oases in desert-like days

numerous encouraging emails, texts, and facebook messages reminding us that we’re being prayed for and reassuring us that we are doing a good job

and there is more, i am sure, things i’ve failed to record here. but my gratitude this morning was deep and i wanted to record it. because Jesus comes to me in all these places, through all these people, and He reminds me of how real His gospel is, that it turns folks into servants just because of love.

born

our sweet little girl has made her entrance into the world. we are so pleased to introduce you to

hazel june collier

june 1, 2011

1:11 am

9 lbs, 7 oz

21.5 inches

she was born in the peace of our very own home, after 48 hours of labor, with our midwife sara, apprentice midwife/doula jen, and two other wonderful midwives in attendance.

she’s perfect. we are exhausted, but very pleased.

it doesn’t depend so much on me

God’s correction is kind. “faithful are the wounds of a friend,” the wise king said (prov 27:6), and though i suspect he was referring to men, it’s true also with God.

i have fallen prey to some poor theology, friends, and as with most lies that lead us around on leashes, this one also contains some truth. i was believing that when my daughter is born was dependent upon me — me creating the best possible energy around myself, maintaining happiness and peace, getting all things prepared, having nothing left open-ended, keeping relational harmony, avoiding the bad energy of broken and unhealthy people, telling her often that i’m ready for her to come, and opening heart and my body for her passage. and that if i fail on any of these points, i could actually prevent her from being born.

me, me, me. if i did all of these things, surely my little one would have no choice but to come bursting into the world, and probably before her due date even arrived.

there’s still a week to my estimated due date. but i have been on an emotional roller coaster because i’ve been owning this responsibility to usher her into the world. it goes like this:  labor will seem to have made its tentative start, and then  it ceases hours later. i blame myself, searching myself for what i might have done to scare her back inside. then i regroup and try all my techniques with renewed vigor so that perhaps she’ll come the following day. i’m high, then i’m low.

“commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him and He will act. He will bring forth…” (psalm 37:5-6a). HE will act, HE will bring forth. it is HIS voice that speaks life into existence (gen 2:7), HIS breath that sustains it in every moment (acts 17:28), and HIS hands that bring life out from the places it is hidden.

HE, HE, HE. if i do nothing at all but trust in Him, my little one will come bursting into this world at exactly the right time. i cannot thwart it; the words that He sends forth will not return to Him without effect (isaiah 55:11).

i had some repenting to do this morning.

relax, child. be still.

there is an appointed time, a time appointed long before she was even conceived (psalm 139:16). wait for it.

(note: i always recognize the correction of the Holy Spirit because it is accompanied by peace and freedom. though there is conviction strong and sure, there is a marked absence of shame, guilt, and self-punishment.)

the ebb and flow of pre-fatherhood confidence

i [tim] wrote this a number of days ago and am just getting around to posting it. and yes, this is my virgin blog post [finally!] after launching this blog that is timandbrookecollier almost two years ago when we were married. this will hopefully be the first of many to come from me. 

brooke is due to deliver our baby in couple of weeks–actually, more like eleven days. that’s right, we’re so close now that it doesn’t even seem right to measure it in weeks any more, but days. though i’ve been incredibly excited about becoming a dad someday for most of my adult life, i find that I am back on a lull in interns of my confidence in it. but not necessarily in the same area that I was having issues with earlier in the pregnancy. going back for a minute, a couple months after we became pregnant, i had serious difficulty envisioning myself being a good dad, and was plagued by fears that I would fall into bad relational habits and end up deeply wounding my kids over the course of their life. i knew it wasn’t the truth but could for some reason could not get myself away from feeling like this was so. at the beginning of this year, the Lord brought numerous people around me who prayed over me and brought words if wisdom and encouragement to that area specifically. it seriously felt like the Father affirming me over and over again for a couple months, saying “i chose you for this and have been preparing you for it for a very long time. all you have to do is continue to be yourself and to show up.” after receiving these encouragements and prayer, i’ve felt much more confident in letting the baby come, and being able to trust Jesus in his grace of what he has put in me and will put in me at the needed times.

so recently, it’s more so been the actual labor and delivery I’ve been worried about. last saturday evening we were out for a walk and brooke started to feel something going on that was new. she was hopeful that the baby might come that night. the effect it had on me was a freak out and a bit of panic because i went blank in terms of what my responsibilities were and not being able to visualize anything of how this would ideally go down, despite having studied quite a bit about all of this. my mind started to imagine that the midwives would arrive, and by the time brooke would get to hysterics [probably something much less intense than that in reality] and need me to lean in to, the midwives would scold me like a teacher rebuking a student who hadn’t finished his homework, and then have me step aside so that she could do the job right. in my right mind, i know this would never happen as both our midwife and doula are amazing and kind people–they hug us every time they come and go for pete’s sake!  but i was scared of not being able to step up to the plate as a husband and coach when my wife needed me most. i know i’m not the one actually giving birth, but i want to be a part of as much of the process as i can, and know that my wife is fully supported when she needs me.

brooke walked into the office later in the evening to find me poring over the bradley method books and chuckled a bit and put her arm around me. in honesty, i told her that i was freaked out and wouldn’t know what to do if the baby came that night. she reassured me that i was going to do fine and then we talked through a little more what it would most likely look like, how i should support her as her birth coach, and that our mid-wife and doula would know if there was something abnormal going on, and would be able to act in the moment if anything needed to be done. i felt a bit better after talking that through, but not a hundred percent.

i find myself praying for baby and quite a bit throughout my days this last week, and actively needing to give my worry and fear of this event about to happen to the Lord. it seems like such a crazy thing to believe right now that this baby, who is fully developed and lying in my wife’s womb, is just going to come out and then be here with us. i am feeling more than ever that a miracle is taking place in front of me that i haven’t been able to emotionally or physically comprehend, and we’re about to hit the climax it. i don’t know what it’s going to be like–i mean i do, sort of. but mostly i’m sure that i can’t be fully prepared for what is about to happen to our family. i want to be be present for it though. i want to show up and trust that Holy Spirit will guide us in the moment and show us how to navigate this messy, beautiful miracle. and i want embrace-in-full that moment when brooke and i are holding our baby and seeing her face for the first time.

Lord, help me.

after a sleepless night

at about 6:30 am i finally stopped trying to sleep because there was light in the sky and because tim got up to go spend some time in the Bible before heading to work. i got a big drinking jar full of water, and my fat journal, and i sat up in bed and wrote. i wrote about the things i have been working so hard not to focus on as our baby’s birth day draws nearer: the fears and worries. i wrote about all of them, no matter how small or far-fetched they seemed. i put them on paper, addressing it all to Papa, and then i left it there with him. only then was i able to roll over, find a comfortable position in the bed that was now all mine, and sleep for two and a half hours. sleep hard enough to dream.

my midwife had told me a while back that it would always be better to name the fears and talk about them. she was right.

to be awake and alone in the dark night when everyone else i know is sleeping… this is hard for me. it feels so forlorn. tim has always loved the 2-4 a.m. prayer slots because of the quiet intimacy they afford him with God. but as for me, i would so much rather be asleep. i end up just laying there in bed, mind over-active, becoming increasingly sad and frustrated at my inability to drift off. it seems pointless to get up and do anything else because i really should be sleeping, but i cannot. and then i begin to think about how i’m going to feel in the upcoming day, how there will be that heavy, tingling, over-heated sensation that seems to rest on me whenever i’ve slept less than 6 hours. and it makes the entire day feel out of reach somehow, and overwhelming.

so this lack of sleep thing that i’m told comes with motherhood, and all the hours awake in the dark night with no one for company but your helpless babe… well, that has me worried. i don’t have much confidence in myself to live so many nights in this fashion and still have stamina and grace to move through my days with meaningful engagement. it’ll be messy. i don’t much like being messy, unless i’ve deliberately chosen to be messy. it is often hard for me to give myself a break, to allow the imperfection and the cloudiness, to know that people might be thinking i’m inarticulate or lazy or avoidant, or under-achieving, or slow  (all of which i become when i haven’t slept) and yet to NOT explain or defend myself.

yup, that’s one of the fears i journaled about this morning.

but now there is peach iced tea to brew, pack and play sheets to finish up sewing, and a photo to take for our new year of mornings project, so i’ll sign off.

don’t judge me if i seem inarticulate, lazy, avoidant, or under-achieving, or slow. it’s just because i haven’t been sleeping well or enough. and, all i can think about is this daughter of mine and what her little face will look like and how her tiny hands will feel in mine.

spring coming

oh sun and crisp fresh air, warm enough to open up the windows a crack for a cross-breeze to flow, re-energizing these closed-up rooms; springy enough to inspire even me — the one who rarely cleans — to really scrub down the upstairs bathroom.

it will snow again, to be sure, and there will be many more very cold days before spring is here, but all the same, we’re moving in the direction. in fact, this weekend we all get to turn our clocks ahead one hour. isn’t this a hallmark of impending spring?

and as spring comes closer, so does the birth of my baby girl. even as i type this, she is gently turning in my belly. these days she’s not doing much developing except to gain weight and mature lungs, so that she’ll be cozy to hold and breathing free when she makes her appearance in about 10 weeks.

spring is bringing changes, brought by decisions made in response to my gut longings. it might be that getting closer and closer to the most instinctual, bodily act i may ever do (giving birth) is responsible for this. but my gut started to do some screaming about carving out a private space for our soon-to-be reconfigured family unit; it started hinting that this might be a season for drawing inward, circling the wagons, focusing all energy on new life (mine, baby’s, my marriage’s). and that started to mean that we needed to take a fresh look at our community living plans. see, we have this housemate, and she’s great (i don’t know if you could imagine a more thoughtful housemate), and she is here because we believe in the joy of shared life, not to mention the financial benefits for all parties. but she’s going to move herself out now, before the baby arrives, and for quite some time after this birth it will just be tim, me, and baby in this house. i know this is right.

and my gut also began to clamor for attention on the matter of where i would be giving birth, and with whom present. the end result of this is a revisiting of the home birth possibility, which is the way that i have always wanted it to be. but it seemed like an impossibility, so we made some compromises, compromises about which i’ve had growing dis-ease. as it turns out, there are some beautiful and capable home birth midwives so passionate about the right of women to give birth in their own homes, that they will work with you through bartering and payment plans and sliding fee scales in order to make it a reality. on monday tim and i will meet with one such midwife and one such doula, and i am very hopeful. deep runs the joy and relief that accompanies the thought of being in our own sweet, spirit-filled home while i labor and deliver.

and spring is reawakening me to some basic truths, as i study inner healing prayer (that gift the Holy Spirit saw fit to deposit in me and then to water and grow). like the truth that i’m an empty cup, lest i sit still before my Father to be filled. like the truth that intimacy with my Jesus is THE prize of my salvation, and the first priority, out of which all other ministry flows. like the truth that He wants me to KNOW Him before He wants me to DO for Him. this calls for some reordering of my days, in order to put in proper place that time sitting with Him. i know that i tend to seek Him mostly for marching orders or for provision. and He’s showing me that those are not to be the first things anymore.

come along, then, spring, we are ready for your new life.

meantime, i have some precious house guests to look forward to, the first set of which is going to be here any second: my dear little SIL, amanda, and her friend kelsey, driven in from madison to stay a few days over their spring break. and then, in a couple of weeks it’ll be all but one of tim’s brothers and their wives and kids, coming from pittsburgh, milwuakee, and madison. oh, joy, to pass some of this waiting season in their company.