better off without it

our month-long “fast” on facebook and other social media is only about three-quarters of the way through, but already i’ve drawn some conclusions. already, and in spite of the fact that i haven’t been very pure in my keeping of this fast, i can see that my life is not made better by facebook or the reading of blogs. in some ways, it is probably made a touch worse.

i can see already that without it as a fall-back activity into which i rush at those moments when i’m not sure what to do next, i choose things that have more life and more fruit. i have been more creative in these last three and a half weeks. and more present. and my mind less noisy. i have made things, both good things to eat and things out of fabric.

i have been outside, eating meals or sipping a beverage on the front porch or in the yard, sometimes alone during hazel’s naps, sometimes the tree of us sharing a meal, and sometimes outside with friends. watering the garden and spending many moments examining the soil for the first signs of seedlings, which always thrill me to discover. outside holding my baby’s hand as she walks more and more like a big girl, side-by-side with me, up and down the sidewalk and through the grass.

and my business has not, i don’t think, suffered form my facebook absence. i’ve popped onto facebook here and there to address business messages, to update a business status, or to upload a photo. but i don’t think it’s made much of a difference. i am more confident in my identity as a creative artist now, more sure of the product that i offer and the heart that i carry into it that makes my photography its own, valuable thing. that tends to make me strive a little less to “sell” myself and my work. still, i’m not sure it is a prudent thing to ditch facebook and other social media altogether when one is trying to build and maintain this sort of business, so i know i won’t be giving into that unthinkable dream of going off the facebook grid.

and i have found that pinterest actually hold potential to enhance my life a bit. for instance, it taught me how to make my own deodorant and “beach hair” hair spray, both of which i did this week. and it’s brought me to many delicious and wholesome recipes that i’ve been trying out. and it has given me inspiration and guidance in making a crafted present for hazel’s first birthday. pinterest, if you actually step back and DO the things it aims to inspire you to do, can enhance life. a bit.

and blogs. well, there are probably only a small number that actually are worth sticking to. and they are the ones that talk to me about how to be a whole-hearted and present mom, and how to press into Jesus for each day’s needs. i sense that a purging of blog subscriptions might be in order.

facebook. oh, love and hate mingled! what an ambivalent relationship. but i’m thinking that keeping it within the confines of one, maybe two, days of each week will be the new normal. because i love the freedom of mind and time that has come from keeping it within bounds this month.

so there’s where i’m at. and here’s some of the beauty i’ve been indulging in and creating during this fast:

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on this day

on this day…

… i walked the two blocks to the prayer garage and spent some time praying and worshiping with my friends before the day got going at full speed.

…i ran errands for three hours. discovered costco with my new membership and came back with brown rice, quinoa, chia seeds, maple syrup, agave nectar, and cinnamon. picked up photos at my lab, some for my mama for a gift, and some for hazel’s birthday party. got some craft supplies at joanne fabrics.

…i gathered with some women from our church to talk about the fertility awareness method and to prayerfully surrender our hopes, fears, and plans to God regarding the growing of our families.

…hazel was a little needy and quick to tears for the afternoon and evening. food made it a little better. riding with mama in the ergo baby carrier for a while helped even more. and then the time spent nursing until drowsiness before bedtime was the final touch.

…tim made good progress in the bike shop, hanging more tools on the tool board. this following a day yesterday of incredible progress, thanks to the help of three friends and partners in the project.

…i did some diaper laundry. as i do every other day.

…we ate a good dinner using a new recipe. vegan because we’re trying to go off dairy. gluten-free because that’s how we always are. it was avocado-pea pasta if you were wondering. with a side of roasted squash. it was so pretty. and we’ve been eating well around her lately because i’ve had more energy to try new recipes, more longing for pretty, wholesome food.

… we took a little walk and ended up having a 30-minute conversation with some new-ish neighbors – jackie and her granddaughter princess and her friend mario. in conversation, which was quite pleasant, we covered vegetable gardening, jazz, religion, and africa. and jackie brought down some mango slices for hazel and princess to eat while they played on the sidewalk.

… tim went to our 14 year-old neighbor boy zachary’s choir concert this evening, to support him. and then straight to the neighborhood pub for a drink and some Getting Things Done accountability with our friend jeremy.

…i am a little bored right now and really want to go to bed, though it is only 9:15. but i’m going to sit on the porch with some lemonade, an oatcake, and a book instead.

 

dedication

this morning, with our wonderful little church family and some of my natural family, too, tim and i dedicated hazel to God. hazel’s little buddy lilia was dedicated, too, by hear parents ryan and alicia. (alicia and i get together each week with our girls. they are three months apart in age. so this was very special to do together).

tony and jeremy lead us through the event, charging us to take seriously the priviledge and weight of shepherding our girls’ hearts. remember always and most of all to pray for them, jeremy said, especially when we see God doing things in their lives that we might not understand. and tony exhorted our families (spiritual and natural) to love God before these girls, as that is what makes the biggest difference in terms of making Jesus desirable to children. tony and jeremy know us and they know hazel. and i could feel their affection toward us and commitment to us as they led us through this moment of dedication.

we shared some of our kingdom hopes for hazel, along with some scriptures we have on our hearts for her. i’m going to record here what we said, so that we can remember. and so that our Collier family who lives so far away and could not be present can also know.

Kingdom Hopes

Tim:

• that she would know Father’s love for her personally and intimately
• that she would not carry burdens the world wants to put on her, but that she would dream far and wide, seeking Jesus’ kingdom as an outflow of that intimate relationship with Him.

Brooke:

• that she be filled with supernatural joy and lead with that foot (water) and have a clear and bold voice of truth and discernment (fire)
• that she learn to hear and obey her Shepherd’s voice from an early age, and walk by the Spirit her whole life

Scriptures

•  “And don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to drink. Don’t worry about such things. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom.” (Luke 12:30-32 NLT)
•  ”The joy of the Lord is your strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10)
• “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me” (John 10:27)

We presented the girls with hand-made bible covers for their Jesus Storybook Bibles, crafted by me and alicia. And then everyone clustered around us and prayed over our families. The prayers of our friends and family over hazel are so precious to me, not mention powerful and effective, i am sure.

And now, here is a little slideshow of some of the photos from this very special morning. It was really a beautiful time.

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hazel and the peonies (an almost birthday post)

almost a year ago the peony plants in my backyard – ripe and ready – held out and waited to bloom until she did.

on may 31st, the first one opened. hazel was born in the middle of that night. so on the day of her birth – june 1 – they were all out in their pink, soft-petaled beauty. tim cut them and brought them in, arranging them in vases and pitchers all around the room where we lay resting. they kept us company as we got acquainted.

this year, the peonies did not wait until june 1st. the first one bloomed a few days ago. but they will always be her birthday flower to me. peonies will always be hazel’s.

her she is. my flowering almost-one-year-old, with her flowers. 

13 (this man)

this is supposed to be “our” blog, but honestly i’m the one who writes almost all of the posts. so you don’t really get to hear that much about the other half of my marital union.

but he’s great. and i wanted to write a touch about him here, so you can know what he’s up to.

he is in the thick of building a bike shop in our garage! he’s been gathering donated kids bikes, building tool boards and work benches, running electric out to the garage, putting on a new deadbolt, hanging the bikes so they’ll be organized, and getting help from generous donors to purchuse tool kids and bike stands. it’s incredible. he thinks they’ll be in business by early june when the neighborhood kids get out of school. he has a few volunteers to mentor the boys as they work on bikes. i’m proud of him for this project. it’s so wonderful.

and he’s doing all this boiler room work. it’s an apprenticeship of sorts, in which he’s walking really closely with tony in order to learn how to lead this thing like it’s a family, which it is. this work is fiercely relational, which is sometimes hard because it doesn’t always have immediate fruit that you can point to or statistics of salvations that you can generate. it’s a slow process of sowing and watering and waiting. then waiting some more. and he has the patience for it, is wired to operate in this way. what a pastoral heart he has.

on a more shallow note, i’ve been getting a kick out of his love for finding the latest and greatest apps for his ipod. most of them have something to do with productivity and workflow. seems like every two weeks he’s got another one he’s using and championing. i jokingly call him the “productivity app missionary.” but i appreciate his efforts to find ways to operate intentionally, mindfully, and proactively.

12 (first mother’s day)

my first mother’s day. it started with an hour to sleep in while tim tended to hazel. then there was breakfast in bed, and hazel holding a sign her dada helped her to make, which said, “happy birthday mommy. love, hazel + daddy.”

tim took hazel back downstairs while i enjoyed my breakfast in bed. alone. which was nice, that peace, but really i was sorta missing my family. my family.

and that tray upon which breakfast arrived reminded me of the week following hazel’s birth. that week when i was on bed rest and didn’t leave except to use the bathroom or to pick up my crying babe if no one else was around, or if they’d let me. i wanted so badly to be able to stand up and rock her, pace the floor with her, walk outside to see the sun and the peonies in the yard. it was so hard not to be able to.

nearly a year later, i’m enjoying breakfast in bed again, but this time because my husband brought it to me just because. because i’m a mama.

this girl has changed so many things about me. she has changed me deep. i kept thanking her today for letting me be her mama. what a gift to be her mama.

we had dinner with my mom and grandma and lots of other members of our family today in lansing, too. that was a sweet time. we got a photograph of 4 generations. my “buc”, my mom (her firstborn/daughter), me (my mother’s firstborn/daughter), and hazel (my firstborn/daughter). that’ll be a keeper. what a great line of women i come from.

11 (thirty-two)

i turned thirty-two on monday.

i woke up in a really rotten mood. everything seemed wrong and the sky was grey and heavy with impending rain. we were supposed to go to the hytta for the day, which is one of my favorite places on earth. but we couldn’t leave first thing in the morning as hoped because we had a flat tire that needed to be serviced first. pouty, i said perhaps we ought to just stay home because we’d have to turn around only 4.5 hours after getting there. but we went anyway.

within 5 minutes of being there, everything with well with my soul once more. i don’t know how to explain the shalom that rests on that place, and how it ends up resting on your shoulders, too, when you step foot onto the property.

we didn’t do much. just watched hazel play and explore, ate some lunch and drank some wine, took naps, listened to the rain. but it was enough. it was just right.

then we headed back into town to have dinner with two other families that have both been dear friends of mine and are getting to know one another in recent months. our three families get together from time to time to have a world-class potluck and to pray about the dreams in our hearts. it was lovely to spend a bit of my birthday with these favorite friends. and they made me chocolate cake with espresso buttercream frosting. yes, it was really good. so was the salmon. oh my.

thirty-two feels a little more threatening than 30 and 31 did, however. it seems frighteningly close to Mid-Thirties, which scares me a touch. still, i’m much happier being in my 30s than i was in my 20s.

happy birthday, me.

anja noelle

my newest little niece was born to my brother justin and my sister-in-love marguerite on may 1st.

she was born the morning after my own birthday, thereby making her the best birthday gift perhaps ever.

and i was honored to be in the room when she was born, and to have the satisfaction of seeing her placed on her mama’s chest, first thing. to hear her first cries, to see her brand new naked little body, to hug her daddy in his joy.

today she is three days old. i took a few more photos of her bathed and clothed. she has loads of near-black hair, and a pouty little mouth that looks a lot like her big sister’s. 

10 (affection from babies)

at some point, the affection became purposeful. i remember the first time. we were playing on the floor of the nursery and suddenly she just nestled her head into my neck and stayed there. quiet. soft. i was seated in a rather uncomfortable position, but i felt like i could hold it forever if she would only remain nestled there that way. which she did for many moments. my heart melted afresh.

and since then, this is more common. “do you have a kiss for mama?” i’ll say, and she’ll immediately push her head and face into my chest or my face. she does the same for her baby friends miles and landon and lilia. and sometimes she pats my back or my chest or my face with such affection and a light in her eyes. you can tell she is actively — purposefully — expressing love. i don’t imagine it gets much better than this.

tonight tim tried to put her to sleep for the night while i was away photographing an engagement session. but i returned to find her still very much awake. at the sight of me she flapped her arms, smiled, and began scooting toward me, then lay her head in my lap. tim reported that even as he had been snuggling her for 20 minutes with hopes of her falling to sleep, she suddenly started making raspberries at the 15 minute mark. she just wanted to be cuddled and close and playful, not to go to sleep. it’s hard to resist a cuddly baby. and so i guess we kept her up a little later tonight than we “should” have.

i’m okay with that.

9 (my thyroid)

i’m one of those people who chart their cycles. laborious? perhaps. but so helpful. 

since i’ve resumed charting, i’ve noticed that my waking temps are LOW. like in the low 96s. that’s not really very normal. and i have eczema. and my energy is low (or is that because i get woken so many times in a night?). anyway, after doing an iodine test, and combined with those factors, my doctor has suggested i have low thyroid, a fact that i suspected. and so today i launched the treatment protocol:

• T-100: a supplement that contains some raw thyroid, like Armour, plus some thyroid-boosting nutrients. 
• Iodoral: straight up iodine, and lots of it. the thyroid needs iodine. 

i’m trying to take this all in stride, and not to be afraid of it’s implications, among which is inferitility. but i’m hopeful that we caught it early enough, that in a few months things will be higher functioning. and i do love the idea of having more energy, because so often it feels like my body can’t keep up with my heart and my mind. and i’m too young for that!

i’m grateful to have such a doctor, whom i trust and respect. i’m grateful to have a God who is surprised by nothing and who already accomplished everything necessary for my wholeness. i trust Him. 

so really this isn’t a big deal. but i still wanted to mark this beginning of the healing journey for my thyroid gland. bring it on!