7 of 101: fresh bread, sans gluten

well, i’ve made plenty of quick breads in gluten-free fashion. there’s the zucchini chocolate chip bread, the banana bread, the polenta-pear muffins/bread…. all delicious. but the formidable, unconquered terrain of bread with YEAST in it had not yet been explored.

until today.

today my new friend erin came with purpose of baking a couple of loaves of gluten-free bread together. thankfully, erin is a seasoned bread-baker and i am a seasoned user of gluten-free flours. so between the two of us, we knew we had a good chance of success. we did some homework ahead of time, each finding a recipe that looked promising.

1. gluten-free multi-grain sandwich bread by karina, my gluten-free goddess (whose recipes never fail me)

2. gluten-free bread that just might make you cry [for joy] written up on Gluten-Free Bay, but apparently adapted from a Celiac.com recipe

we made a list of all the bazillion flours we’d need and headed out to woodman’s to purchase them all (luckily, i’ll use these flours for future projects). upon arriving home, she took recipe #2 and i took recipe #1. we mixed the two sets of dry ingredients, then the wet ones.

we poured the doughs into bread pans and allowed both loaves to rise a while in a warmed oven, even thought recipe #1 said it only needed 20 minutes to rise, we allowed it to rise for close to the 90 minutes recipe #2 required. (i love the image of a mound of dough in a porcelain loaf pan, covered in a cheese cloth. it’s so wholesome).

there is a lot of waiting involved with baking any sort of yeasted bread. thankfully, with the gluten-free varieties, there is no kneading involved, however. so, we sat in the living room, still apron-ed, sipping on mugs full of rooibos and talked about our life work, future dreams, and longings for adventure until the rising process was complete.

recipe #1 rose to high heaven, almost doubling in size. recipe #2, however, seemed flat. this did not change through the baking time.

while the loaves cooled, we had a simple meal of kale, sweet potato, and black-eyed peas, topped with feta and a side of corn tortilla.

then, along with t, who always shows up once the food is ready to eat, we sat down at the table and tried a half slice of each, with pasture butter spread on top.  we were careful to chew slowly, after sniffing, and noted aloud what we noticed about taste, texture, and aromas. for a few moments we were food critics, though perhaps not very qualified ones.

final verdict: both very decent breads (though i have a slight bias towards recipe #1). they actually taste and feel like BREAD, unlike many gluten-free store-bought options. worth doing again? yes, indeed. though erin will opt to stay with the traditional gluten-laden breads because, well, she can.

thanks to erin for a wonderful afternoon of baking, laughter, and good conversation. not to mention tasty eats.

40 of 101: “elsa” the sewing machine

friends, i have purchased a sewing machine. for $50 from a guy on craigslist who, while pointing out that my offer was low, still sold it to me. she came in a dark wood cabinet, complete with an assortment of bobbins, the original user’s manual, a pin cushion featuring the upturned faces of what appear to be many asians, and various attachments for the machine.

elsa, as i have decided to call her, is a 1976 Singer Stylist. she’s a zig-zag machine.

we’ve set her up in the corner of our living/dining room area, which felt like a temporary solution for a minute, but it’s growing on us both. so, this past week, after a long battle with screws and hooks in concrete ceilings, tim set up a lantern that hangs right above elsa, lighting my work space a bit more.

last friday, when tim brought elsa home in the trunk of the nissan, i took out the manual and went through it page by page, learning each part and it’s use, and then attempting my very first stitches. which went poorly, to be honest. since then, mostly i’ve only looked at her. i am making mental notes about necessary next steps for building a working relationship with elsa. e.g., i need more thread besides the bright teal and green spools that accompanied her, and i need to commit to a specific starter project. i think i’ll start with a cafe apron or place mats.

Lahai-roi

this is my favorite name for God: Lahai-roi

it means, “the Living One Who Sees Me.“

Hagar “used another name to refer to” the Lord that day when His angel tracked her down at the spring in the wilderness where she had fled, cast out and bitterly weeping. she had not sought Him, but He sought her. and He saw the roots of her suffering and spoke a promise over it.

and, in what i imagine to be grateful disbelief, she said, “i have now seen the One who sees me.”

so she named her son (a son with promises now riding on him), Ishmael, which means “God hears.”

to be sought out, to be seen, to be heard… and by the God Almighty…

yes, Lahai-Roi, i am so grateful that this is part of who You are.

*Genesis 16

a small house in the country

tonight i am dreaming of a small brick house in the country,

with a garden full of fruit and flowers,

and a lovely, light-filled kitchen from which

will come tastey things to eat.

tonight the quiet and crickets of that scenario entice me,

and i feel cozy at the thought of the solitude,

the sewing, the baking, the photographing, the reading,

the strolling through gardens in cool afternoons with clean air,

with my husband and children alone as company.

tonight it sounds attractive to have that space

to re-examine, to find our bearings, to perfect our love,

to bask and rest in the Father’s love without pressure to minister.

i am hard on myself to the extent that

even as i’m dreaming of this scenario i am

also judging myself for it’s sharp contrast to

the city life among the poor, with door open to homeless friends

(that picture i’ve thought that our life would be about).

it is odd to yearn for a thing so completely other than that,

and i wonder what my soul is asking me to pay attention to there,

what the Father might have to speak into that.

i am not too proud to change course, nor to do

something other than what i have always said that i would do,

because sometimes i make resolutions He hasn’t asked me to make, and

it’s possible such a move might be faithful to His nudges

(i will not rule out that possibility).

considering adversity

i’ve been thinking a bit lately about how often i start getting in this mode of thinking in which i assume that things are going to take a turn for the worse. like how i kept fearing that God would take tim away from me, even up until our wedding day. because it was too good. i couldn’t trust it. like how i fear now that He’ll frustrate this growing dream of mine (that for shall now remain un-named). this lack of trust, this quick forgetfulness of who my God really is… is something i would like to outgrow.

but, of course, sometimes things really DO take a turn for the worse: things we were banking on fall apart, dreams we were cherishing are endlessly frustrated, and people we love die or leave us. and in those situations, it’s hard to know how to make sense of the deeply compassionate love of the Father in what appears to be so much unkindness. so we could say that it was the Enemy, robbing us of things that God actually intended for us to have. but that seems to make too little of Him, as if He is so easily outdone. the alternative, which is to leave room for the Father actually GIVING us hardship, or TAKING AWAY something good… well, that’s hard to sit with too. this is where folks lose their faith, over these sorts of questions.

i wonder how much of it has to do with God wanting our attention. an old friend of mine recently had something very tragic happen to her little son. and the first thing she said, standing by the hospital window was, “okay, God, you have our attention.” she’s praying now, and clinging for dear life to a God that, as far as i know, she’s given very little attention to for many years. this tends to happen.

at first glance, this makes God seem a bit egocentric, as if He will stop at nothing to make sure He has the fearful attentiveness of His subjects. but look harder.

if it is true, as i believe in my bones it is, that He is the best and only source of Life… then to bring us to our knees in order to bring our attention to Him, is actually to bring us back to the only place where we can drink and never thirst again. it is to bring us back to Life that’s bigger than losing houses or cars, suffering an accident…. Life even bigger than losing someone we love. which is hard to imagine, isn’t it? which means that this Life He’s going to extreme measures to point us back toward must be terribly, terribly good.

one night, during my dating relationship with t, i had a dream that shook me to the core and left me reeling for three days. it was more of a vision, actually. in the vision, i was walking, through very thick and hot sand, with tim. we were happy and in love. my legs became very heavy and my arms tired from all the bags i was carrying. and then, suddenly, my legs and torso were sucked beneath the sand, the sand rolled away in waves, and i was taken up to a dark night sky. there were stars. and then, a voice like the sound of rushing waters, and a face of a lion. and i was in holy fear. my eyes were open, my ears actually heard the rushing water sound. and the lion said, “hello. you won’t talk to tim in time, for a while.” and there was fierce jealousy in the voice.

i woke up wondering if i ought to turn tail and run from t, if perhaps God was going to snatch him away from me, just as i had dreaded that He might. but that wasn’t it at all. here is what i understand that dream to mean: that my Father is so jealous for my love, so intent on keeping me close to His side, that He WILL snatch me up and out of anything that separates me from Him. He will not let me get to the place of forgetting Him. and none of this is because He is an ego-maniac, but because He knows that my heart’s true and deepest desire is for Him. He knows that more than I fear losing t, I fear losing my God. and this is His PROMISE to me: that He will keep me from losing Him, even if it means i lose another thing that is very precious. (yes, it is a promise, not a threat).

thankfully, God has not had to take t from me, not even for a temporary span of time. but i like knowing that he WOULD do that, if it came right down to it.

i’m carrying many small hopes and dreams in me at present. and lately i’ve been in that fearful state, anticipating the worst… anticipating that those good gifts won’t come to fruition. but in this, i keep turning my attention back to Him, in order that i not forget Him. i want Him to know that He has my attention already, that i am committed to keeping my attention on Him. and in this way, He and i can walk forward in companionable friendship, marked less by dramatic happenings to train my soul back Home. i want to stay Home with Him of my own free will, and daily.

i don’t expect denial of good or the sending of suffering from my Papa. i don’t think He intended that we would ever expect anything less of Him than the fulfillment of His promises for life and hope. and that’s what walk in: confident expectancy of the goodness of God.

but still, the Lord may take away from me, or deny me the thing i most desire (i can also think of many people whose attention God already has, yet who have suffered great losses). i hope that even then, blessed still, will His name be to me. still i will cling to Him, worship Him, love Him. still He will be good. so help me, God.

the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. blessed be the name of the Lord!

- job 1:21

although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “this is the way; walk in it.”

- isaiah 3:20-21

stilled

you

have stilled and quieted my soul

today when

i canceled all and was home, mostly

in silence

busying my hands with concrete things

like the baking of bread, the folding of clothes

emotionally fragile, knowing

a glass vessel of tears needed release

into your cup

my head, a rest in your lap

and as i wrote,

you

taught me, you

gave insight enough

to know a step to take

to know a truth more deeply

to know you are nearby

so, no flurry of anxious prayers,

just some quietness

here

the obligatory new year reflections

it’s not something i habitually do, preferring instead, like a typical Enneagram Type 4, to avoid doing whatever it seems most people do at any given time…

but this year, with so much on the horizon, and many things bubbling up in our collective heart, i couldn’t help spending a little time looking ahead. these are not new year’s resolutions, exactly, but sketches of what might be.

first, i made an inventory of the responsibilities, commitments and obligations we already have. then i looked at the ones we might end up soon adding (indicated below by question marks):

• Campus America prayer-room planning
• Transit mentoring
• Boiler Room leadership (meetings, gatherings, teaching)
• Big Oak  and REM (our day jobs)
• Some independent and contract photography work
• keeping house (laundry, cleaning, organizing, etc)
• menu planning and cooking
• blog and photo projects
• one another’s well-being
• helping our families with some things
• pastoring “the little church that could?”
• buying a house?
• starting a family?

and i thought, “looks like we might very well get over-committed here, if we’re not careful.” i wondered about what will be the most important things to protect… and in knowing what to guard, we can make decisions about what to take on and what to let go. and this is what i came up with:

1. simplicity – sustainability

to me, this means our life pace is restful, with room to breathe, our physical spaces are uncluttered with things requiring our attention or creating distraction, and we keep our rhythms of sabbath rest and daily prayer. i don’t want to feel like we need to escape into vacations.

2. intimacy – relationship

to me, this means that t’s sphere and mine overlap significantly, that we have a few deep relationships with folks we see at least a couple times per week, that we stop to listen to jesus at every turn, and that ideally we live geographically and relationally near to a few close friends.

and i don’t ever want to get busy doing good things God hasn’t called us to do. (so much spinning of wheels).

when i think about quality of life — what, to me, keeps life glimmering and hopeful — these are the markers of it:

• reading and writing
• keeping up with friends
• taking photographs
• sit-down, home-cooked meals, often shared with others
• visits to family in MI
• adequate sleep each night
• prayer rhythms with community
• silly dancing in the kitchen
• annual pilgrimages
• practicing hospitality (overnight or just for meals)

in other words, if those things started to slip, or to become rarities rather than regularities, it would tip me off that a little re-evaluation is called for. and, as best as we’re able, we’d adjust. because this is, perhaps, part of what sets us apart from “the world”: that we don’t knock ourselves out, but are people able to be still and know our humanity.

finally, i wrote a 101 in 1001 list. i was inspired by a wedding photographer i follow, who has done similarly in a recent post. the idea is that you write a list of 101 things you’d like to see happen in the next 1001 days. if you’re interested, here is MY 101 in 1001.

expand my territory

He said, “stay; I have something for you here.” so we’re here still, staying, as we’ve been told. and in the staying, He’s changing my heart so that it wants to stay, to nestle in, to put down roots and spread out branches. and He’s been talking a lot about things like building family, and He’s been giving us hunches.

in our tender-shoot Madison Boiler Room, He’s moving us on the grassroots level. we are seeing life over small things like dude church and chick church and evening prayer, and other off-shoot, spontaneous activities. and we’re wondering together, if this is a FAMILY God’s building, what will the family tree of the Boiler Room look like?: maybe like all of us (now well established and raised to maturity in the family of the core team) growing up, getting married, and having babies, so to speak? yet still being brothers and sisters with one Papa, who go to one another’s soccer games and chorale concerts, who help one another with home repair projects, and bail each other out in times of trial. and now that this vision has been settling into my spirit, i can see that He’s already been moving in that direction. it’s not like the revelation of this “Building Family” strategy requires us to abruptly switch course, because He’s already set the course, and maybe now He’s just drawing our attention to what He’s been doing all along.

i never want to resist the river of God.

so that at this point, to buy a house in this neighborhood seems like an act of obedience. it says, “i have heard you, God, here i am. i will make a home here, plant a garden, buy and sell, and seek the peace of this city to which you’ve carried me.” and it just so happens that there’s a house, sitting a few blocks from here, empty and weary and in foreclosure, which means it is in our price range (as nearly no other at-assessment-price house in the city would ever be). we like where it is, and we’ve begun painting pictures of our lives unfolding in it’s rooms. we drive by it almost every day, and ask God please to reserve it for us, until we can creatively come up with cash for closing costs and a wee little down payment. because once we’re in it, it’ll be cheaper per month than our apartment is, and that would be good. and we could make some room there, even more than now, for sheltering folks and having babies.

meanwhile, all within a week following christmas, our dearest little hobo church (aka “the little church that could”) has suffered the loss of it’s pastor and the death of it’s director. all of this within 2 months of our discovery of the little place. for these two months, t and i have simply been showing up there, keeping our mouths shut and our ears open, waiting to see what God might have in store for us there (because we suspected there was something). and it might just be that he wants to give it to us, in part or in full… somewhere between the pastoring of the church services and the taking on of the entire non-profit (!). our new friends there, who don’t really know us from Adam and haven’t seen our credentials seem to think we might be the answer to some of their prayers, and they wonder if we’ll take it on. and i am sitting here in stunned disbelief because i have fantasized about this, but didn’t dare to expect it, nor even to ask for it. there are big ifs and hearts that need softening and legalities that need sorting… and the call to an internal commitment in our own hearts to say yes to this crazy venture, even when there are so very many unknowns. we’re doing research, uncovering historical information, and trying to listen to God’s heart for this little piece of his family. as pastor bill said, during his final sermon, “this isn’t bill’s church and it isn’t ___’s mission; it’s God’s. and God has a way of providing what He needs.”

God help us! how large are these things we’re asking you for! ready our hearts to carry them, if you do indeed intend to entrust them to us. in all things, may you be the One who is recognized as redeemer, provider, and breather of life into a just-born boiler room, an old house of Fifth street, and a weary old Mission.

anell reminded me today that we don’t do any work; we simply join God is what He is already doing. and when that’s the case, things fall into place with surreal ease. the sort of unfolding you witness and then say, “i can’t believe this is happening, but i saw it coming.”