resolution: be real

i found this blog today by a missionary in costa rica who is refreshingly real. particularly this post (oh, how i relate!)

and i realize that as a Missionary here in the west side of grand rapids… a Leader of the boiler room ministry… well, i feel like such a fraud so much of the time. i struggle to know how my love for beautiful things, my desire to make photographs, my addiction to The Office and Modern Family, my artful swearing, my chocolate bingeing, and my relational avoidance can be a part of the same woman who wears those titles.

so this person is my new friend. she doesn’t know it, but she is going to coach me in the ways of transparency and embrace of the paradoxical.

revisiting 101 in 1001

my mom mentioned the other day that she’s recently taken a look at my 101 in 1001 list, and that i have done many more things on that list in the last little while. so, here’s a quick update.

#3 – have a baby, or two.

well, i had one! this is not news to anyone. but i’ll post a cute picture of her here, just for good measure.

hazel june - 6.1.2011

#10 – plant a small vegetable garden and hope something grows.

it wasn’t really very small. it was 8 raised beds filled with rich organic soil, 6 of which we planted in. we planted mostly from seed. we planted a little late. we planted with about half a dozen friends. we planted on the day i went into labor.

in spite of our negligence, and likely because of the occasional maintenance done by our really wonderful friends, things did indeed grow. we had tomatoes of various sorts, summer squash, spaghetti squash, watermelon, green beans, jalapeno peppers, carrots, lettuces, spinach, radishes, basil, parsley, and probably more that i’m forgetting. we ate some ourselves and shared some.

we’ll try again this spring.

#23 – organize and host a 24-7 Prayer Room

this is a sort of. i say only sort of because though we’ve been a part of hosting several prayer rooms and weeks of 24-7 prayer, none of them have been primarily MY job. they’ve been a team effort, for sure. however, i suspect that’s how it’ll always be around here because that’s the kind of community we’re in. i couldn’t organize and set-up and host one alone if i tried.

a recent prayer room

#24 – paint my toenails.

it’s funny that i put this on the list. such a small thing. but a small luxury, you see, that i rarely take time to indulge in. but i painted my nails when i was pregnant, and again this summer. and i left it on until it chipped off.

#25 – get training in Inner Healing Prayer and/or Theophostic

got a great start on this one in 2011. in january i was able to serve as a “spiritual trainer” in a college course called Dunamis, about the person and work of the Holy Spirit. it ended with a three-day conference on the healing ministry of Jesus Christ. additionally, we at the boiler room went through a day-long training in The Steps to Freedom in Christ. i would still like to go through training under Terry Wardle’s method someday, but i got far enough into this sort of training in 2011 that i feel i can check it off my list.

#27 – spend a week in a cottage by the lake

this may make me sound spoiled, but i’ve done this at least twice, maybe thrice. this past august, tim, hazel, and i got to spend a week at  a cottage (more like a huge house) right across the street from Lake Michigan. we did this with my mom, siblings, grandparents and many members of our extended family. then, we spent most of a second week at our friends’ hytta (cabin) 1.5 miles from Lake Michigan. so lovely.

#37 – keep one more house plant alive. 

“one more” implies that there was one to begin with. true. that one has since passed away. it got misplaced and forgotten when we moved to MI. however, a friend left two of her dear houseplants with me when she moved away; one is a succulent, the other a coffee plant.  i have manage to keep one of them alive, and the other one passed away sometime this fall. i’ll let you guess which one is which. hint: succulents are basically impossible to kill.

#41 – tell the stories of the boiler room, perhaps on a blog

well, here is one that looks differently than i thought it would when i wrote it. i was referring to the madison boiler room, which is, of course, no longer in existence. but there is still the stockbridge boiler room and i will now be contributing to that blog a couple of times each month. so pleased to do so.

#44 – be photographed, along with tim and kids, by a great photographer

boom! thank you jill devries photography for taking our first family photos with our dear babe. this was SUCH a treat. i put a photo session with jill on my baby registry, not really expecting anyone to buy it. but my wonderful family all chipped in and gave it to me for my birthday/mother’s day. we opted to have jill take our portraits in our own house and around our neighborhood, doing things that we normally do together as a family (sharing a french press, cuddling on the couch, lounging on the bed, wandering in the garden, walking together, kissing and playing). i’ve admired jill’s work for so long, so i was giddy to get to see her work, AND to be an ingredient of the beautiful art that she creates. if you want to see more, click here.

#47 – be able to primarily be a stay-at-home mom

this has come true, in a non-traditional way. i actually have a couple of jobs outside of mothering, but they are pretty integrated into my mothering and i do them largely from home or within a 2-minute walk of home. i take pictures of people (still can’t get over how amazing it is to get paid to do something that cool) and i am a leader of the boiler room, but i am still at home with hazel (or taking hazel with me) as i do most of this work. what a joy!

#51 – give an extravagant and unexpected gift.

i can’t divulge any particulars because that would be letting my left hand know what my right hand is doing, but let me just say that it felt really good. and so right. it reminded me to hold loosely to my blessings, because there’s even more blessing to be had in handing them over.

#53 – see a chiropractor

toward the end of my pregnancy, i went back to see the chiropractor i used to work for. i’ve been seeing him ever since. so is hazel! it’s been great.

#54 – give birth at home

the aforementioned baby was born in our living room. on the love seat. sometimes i’m sitting in that room, and i look at the physical location where i was when i gave birth to her and i feel a flood of emotion over the fact that our dear daughter entered this world right here in this house, in that particular spot. that seems to transform this house into sacred ground.

if you want to see a short film of that home birth, you can see it beautifully captured by the talented and compassionate jennifer holshoe, by clicking here.

#55 – make baby food. 

i thought i would steam and puree organic fruits and veggies for my babies. as it turns out, i’m not doing that, nor do i plan to. but it’s not because i’m buying baby food instead. it’s because we’ve decided to do baby-led weaning, which is a way of introducing solid foods to babies without any purees at all. instead, we just give hazel chunks of food and let her gum them, gnaw on them, and eventually ingest them. we all love it. messy, but lower maintenance that forcing a spoon of mush into a close-lipped baby mouth.

#69 – make a huge batch of pesto using locally grown basil

done. this summer. basil from our own back yard. yes, it was very good.

#80 – get a four generations of women photograph

mom, hazel, buc (grandma), me

#81 – wash someone’s feet 

did this at a small Lenten worship service in 2011. what a sweet and vulnerable thing to wash and to be washed.

#84 – pay off one remaining credit card and/or line of credit

we got one line of credit paid off just last month. we paid off that credit card sometime in the last year or year and a half. alleluia!

#86 – have unhurried heart-to-heart time with my rabbi. 

me and jenn at my wedding (the only photo i have of us together, i'm afraid)

that rabbi is dear jenn, who i’ve been walking with for going on 4 years now. and when i made this goal we lived across a very large lake from one another. now we live .2 miles from one another. and i see her every tuesday afternoon for tea, and lots of other times to boot. like, there was one sweet weekend this past fall when both our husbands were out of town for 24-7 Prayer related business, and we spent a lingering Saturday evening together with our kids. the next morning hazel and i came over again and we shared a breakfast, along with one other wonderful, wise woman friend.

#92 – seek out words of prophecy/knowledge from someone

last winter, tim and i went down to Kansas City to visit our friends at the Kansas City Boiler Room. but while we were down there, we went to IHOP, also, and made appointments in their prophecy room. i had to fight back some cynicism and discomfort over the fact that it was “drive-by prophecy” from strangers. but it turned out to be a real blessing. several things were prophesied over us that  were spot-on descriptions/confirmations of things God was working in our lives at that point. there were also a few words that seemed a little odd, and we’ve tucked those ones in our back pocket to see if maybe someday God sheds more light on them.

#93 – host pilgrims and house guests frequently. 

oh, boy, have we ever! this has been so delightful. there have been a lot of people passing through our house. family, friends, acquaintances, strangers. i loooooove having our house be a resting place for all these people. i hope we can keep doing this in 2012 and beyond. it’s become a core value of our family, in fact.

two of our house guests this past summer. one from Wisconsin, the other from Northern Ireland

#94 – share house-keeping and child-care responsibilities with a good friend.

alicia and i had our babies 3 months apart. we have lots of similar interests and values. and so we’ve decided to walk together in this season of new wifehood and new motherhood. one day each week we get together at one of our houses and keep one another company while we nurse our babies or make crockpot meals together or simply talk. this has been a real sweet spot in my week, sharing this domesticity with her.

here’s a picture of our daughters together. (i knew you wanted more baby photos).

lilia and hazel in matching pajamas (oct 2011)

#100 – work in a pastoral way alongside tim.

we are growing in this all the time. it just happens, even with no official role. i love it when someone finds their way to our living room and tim and i get to sit with her, hear her story, counsel her, listen to God with her, and pray over her.

in 2012 we’re stepping more officially into pastoral roles with the boiler room and the west side church family God is building. and i’m looking forward to doing this work together.

 

that’s all for now. thanks for listening.

do you have any goals that you’ve recently accomplished that you need to take a minute to make note of and celebrate?

today

i am being challenged by these three quotes, each stumbled upon during my shameless internet meandering. (sometimes web-browsing really can be life-giving).

1.

“I was going to get closer, close enough to shoot with my 24 and fill the frame. Today I shoot life, weddings, friends, family and everything up close. Personal and intimate.”

-sean flannigan, photographer, here.

2.

“i believe a strong woman may be stronger than a man, particularly if she happens to have love in her heart. i guess a loving woman is indestructible.”

― john steinbeck, east of eden

3.

‎”if you’re clinging too tightly to your things, to your plans, to your comfort and convenience, to your idea of what your family should look like — God cannot move in your life.”

– shelly owens, adoptive mother, here.

winter, work, and yes

yesterday the first snow flurried through shards of sunlight and clusters of golden leaves.

i can’t believe it’s already that time of year: the front end of the 4-month midwest winter season. grey, cloudy, built of short days, and very cold. here we go. thanksgiving is just a couple of weeks away, and then we all know how quickly thereafter christmas arrives. it seems to surprise me each year with its coming.

and hazel will be six months old at the start of December. six. months. old. !!. it’s been half a year of loving this little girl and of watching her unfold, and half a year of having my daily rhythms, my body, my heart, and my very identity shift shape.

change is the only constant, someone once said.

it’s not too soon to look ahead to january. in fact, we have already begun. we have begun to look ahead because january will bring with it a shift in tim’s work (and mine, too, to a lesser extent). beginning in january, tim will work twice as many hours in boiler room leadership* and half as many  hours with his “normal” job at Hope Network. this won’t change much in terms of the total number of hours each week that he is working, but it shifts a greater percentage of our annual income into the land of faith. see, the truth is that the boiler room doesn’t have any money except for that which is provided from donors and grants and the hand of God. and if the boiler room ever doesn’t have enough money, we don’t get a paycheck (this has almost happened twice this year, but both times, at the eleventh hour, we all got paid after all!). with more of our total hours of work being with the boiler room next year, a higher percentage of our total annual income is not guaranteed.

(though whose is, anyway? in the economy we’re all living in, none of us are on very stable ground, even if we’d like to forget that fact.)

also, we need a new furnace. also, we need to GIVE AWAY MONEY AND RESOURCES because, to our embarrassment, we haven’t been letting these things flow from our hands in the way that someone who understands that nothing they have is their own ought to do. i feel downright congested for lack of giving. so, we’re gearing up to give a bit… give until it makes us a little uncomfortable. between the giving and the furnace and the “health insurance” we finally just signed up for, our cushion is rapidly shrinking. things don’t feel as comfy and secure.

nearly four years ago, when i first stepped out of the normal economy in which one gets a job and earns a paycheck from the business for which he/she works, i would get freaked out about a change like the one we’re about to make. i would get freaked out often, sick to my stomach with worry and dread that a bill would come up that i could not pay, that i was being irresponsible and a burden to others. i would sit over the numbers and crunch and re-crunch them and try to figure ways of scrounging and skimping to get by. that’s called a poverty mentality, folks.

you know what? i’m not freaking out this time. not deeply, and never for long. this time i have a million past experiences to remind me that He will never leave us high and dry, that He has always brought us the funds and resources we needed as we follow Him as best as we know how. always. i rest in that experiential knowing. so in some ways i’m writing this as a small testimony to celebrate how far we’ve come, Papa and i. that poverty mentality has been slowly starving to death in recent years.

actually, i’m a little excited about it, too. i’ve been reading a book (a book that i tried to avoid reading because i knew it would mess with me, and i wasn’t sure i wanted to be messed with) called Kisses From Katie, which is written by a 22 year-old girl who left her entire upper-middle class life to live like Jesus in a Uganda where, by His grace and provision, she has adopted 14 girls and begun a ministry that sends 400 children to school and feeds another 1500 or so. all within 4 years. and as i read her story — even the parts about taking near-dead babies to hospitals, carving jiggers out of the soles of children’s feet, and taking in widows dying of AIDS — i feel a little jealous! jealous because over and over again, on a near-daily basis, she is getting to KNOW the power and the compassion of Jesus! she is getting to experience that grace that is sufficient for her in the midst of her weakness, even and especially when she is in way over her head.

when was the last time i felt in over my head, to the point that i had to cling to Him, needed Him to show up or else the entire operation would absolutely become a disaster? it’s been a while. in fact, i think it was this season, when i first moved into the boiler room as an intern three and a half years ago and had 8-12 recovering addicts living in our houses. (i also felt that way for a couple of months after hazel was born)! but really, it’s been a while. could i live that way again, as a woman who is a wife and a mother?

i don’t think that just having more of our income come from a no-fundraising non-profit’s budget is going to accomplish that sort of radical dependence on and experience of the Living Christ. that is still a very small risk indeed, once you get used to it, and compared to other risks.

but what if i started to say YES, like Katie, to every person who comes my way each day. YES to helping them in whatever small way i can, just for that moment. YES to being present and listening. YES to sharing myself and the gospel. i wonder where that would lead?

what if we opened up our hearts and our home wider than feels logical or comfortable?

*i’ll write more at another time on the particulars and specifics of what tim’s new work with the boiler room will be.

these days

these days

• we are soaking up the sun for as long as we can, taking near-daily walks around our neighborhood with hazel in the ergo-baby, stepping prayerfully past all the grimy houses and their hidden stories unfolding inside.
• we are discerning what may be a calling to something that seem impractical and big, and we’re holding our hands open to God as if to say, “you can put here whatever you like, and we will receive it from you.” this something is so sweet an expression of the central message of the gospel that it seems it might be impossible to say no to, in the end.
• i am finding Scripture tastes like honey once more. i approach it not so much to study or analyze it, but to be moved by it.
• i am craving baked goods and feeling thankful that due to amazon subscriptions i now have an ever-present supply of gluten-free all-purpose flour in the pantry that make all my baking desires possible to fulfill.
• we are spending lots of time sitting or laying on the big floor rug we brought up from the basement to cover our wooden floors on these colder days.
• hazel is discovering her feet and gifting us with her laughter and grabbing at food from the table and nose-diving open-mouthed into our faces to “kiss” us.
• i am often photographing the joy and play of families in their own homes or in lovely outdoor spaces. i want to do more of this.
• we are watching our little collection of TV shows on hulu.com in the evenings after hazel has gone to bed and we can’t go anywhere. we watch The Office, Modern Family, Parenthood, and The New Girl (in case you were wondering).
• we are sharing meals with the boiler room family two to three times each week. eating together knits hearts together, we find.
• tim is practicing repentance in the form of  ”tweeting” (unlikely form of repentance, i know!) as well as Project Wake Up Before Dawn.
• we are planning trips to WI in both November and December, anticipating the cuteness of our nephews there and lazy afternoons in the living room of the Collier homestead.
• we are intentionally interviewing each of the 12 (!) houses full of Jesus-followers who’ve moved into the Boiler Room’s neighborhood in the last year, and asking God how He might want to connect us to one another and send us out for more of His Kingdom come.
• we are eating good food again, as my energy for creatively cooking returns.
• i am beginning to image having energy and impulse to do things like disciple women and reach out to my neighbors once more (for a while there, all my energy — ALL — was pointed at preparing to become a mother and then becoming one).
• we are preparing a 6-week Discipleship Intensive to study The Vision & The Vow and Orphan Slave Son that we’ll facilitate at our house on Monday nights this winter. (if you want to join us, you are welcome! email us).
• i am enjoying visits from various friends and neighbors, and marveling about how rich a collection of people and stories can come to our very own doorstep when i am not as able to be out and about as i was pre-baby.
• we are eating the last of our garden’s harvest — the carrots, the squashes, a tiny head of broccoli — and learning about what we’re supposed to do with all the plants before the snow falls.
• we are content in the shelter of one another, caring for one another in small ways and having hearts full of gratitude.

what a life has been given us.

thank you, Papa.

blogging here, too

from time to time i’ll post on the stockbridge boiler room’s blog.
my first entry is here.
i hope you’ll come read, not only what i write, but what we all write.
when i first discovered this blog, i got so hooked that i obsessively read it from the first entry up to the current date. so many good stories about the kingdom and God’s love.

photographed

photo by jill devries (jilldevries.net/blog)

my favorite (am i allowed to pick favorites?) grand rapids photographer, jill devries, photographed our wee little family this past week. i’m so pleased.

you should check ‘em out here on her blog.

and, i want to say thank you again to my mom, grandparents, aunts, uncle, cousins, brother and sister-in-law for chipping in to hire jill to do this. it was my birthday gift, and one of the best to date, i think.

woulda-been 1st birthday

i don’t have a photo for this post because i never got to see her.

but today she would have been one year old, had she been born on her due date, had she been born to me at all.

she was born instead into Jesus’ hands, a necessity i do not pretend to understand. still, i like to know my firstborn is with Him.

i was walking around the neighborhood this morning with my sweet niece and hazel (delight of my heart), and we ran into a neighbor whom i know also lost a baby this spring, and that baby would have been born about now. we’re not close, so i didn’t bring it up, but i felt this sympathy of a hidden understanding between us: she perhaps grieving on this day when she would have become a mother; and i grieving for the 1st birthday that would have been. ironically, this person has a puppy — purchased in the wake of that loss — whose name is the same as the one i had given to my firstborn. they don’t know this.

there’s a lump in my throat today, and i have slipped into tears already twice. somehow, i didn’t expect this. but a friend has suggested that today we bake a cake and celebrate that baby’s birthday…and though i hadn’t planned on so intentionally stopping to commemorate her, it feels right. i think we might do that.

 

but things come full circle, don’t they?

you see, yesterday was the one-year anniversary of finding out we were pregnant with the incredible little person known as hazel june. my daughter.

summer food

i’m not cooking with as much creativity of frequency as normal, but even in this mommy-of-newborn phase of life, we’ve managed to churn out a few goodies to eat…

(i know you’ve missed my food photography)

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

in brief

1

this evening tim and i had our supper on the front porch, in that funny little fold-up love seat we have there. we had a favorite stew. hazel sat across us in her little chair, smiling at us like a fool. and then, next thing i knew, this scene had unfolded in our front yard: four boys of three colors, having dropped their bicycles on the sidewalk, were wielding light sabers, laughing with abandon as they rough-housed together. and then, tim joining them, playing in a way i haven’t seen him play before, while i held hazel in my lap (she is just the right size for cuddling these days), watching with a smile in my heart. lots of days i resent these boys who come knocking on our door more times in a day than seems proper, always wanting something or another, and always just at the moment when we are sitting down to eat or trying to put the baby down for her nap. but tonight i had affection for them, seeing them behave at last like the children that they are, rather than the bad asses they so often feel compelled to play.

2

we begin again with the boiler room rhythms. once again we’ve sat down around a table, dreams held in open hands, quieting our voices to hear His guidance. our job is always to discern what He’s asking us to do in each season; to be more committed to coursing like a river through the bends of His winding ways than to be a rod, straight, stiff and unmoved by changing seasons. so we let go of some things that seemed so central, so essential, in the past… and we pick up other things that we wouldn’t have seen coming before. over three years now, my life has been connected with this family and the corresponding work of God here. three years of revisions and surrenders and surprises. it may seem hard to put labels on, difficult to pin down, but then so is the Holy Spirit.

3

three weddings down and one left to go this season. and that’s enough. as for next year, i’ve got one on the calendar already, but i’m not at all sure that i will intentionally pursue booking more weddings. i sense it’s time to release those intentions. if folks come knocking, wanting me to be the one to capture their wedding through my lens, i will most likely agree to it; but i won’t go looking for it like i once would have. because these days i see the world as babies and families more than as young people in love. having a baby changes everything, including, apparently, the eye of an artist. so i’m looking forward to doing some family sessions this fall, and senior portraits, and i’ll likely just about beg my friends with new babies to let me spend some time photographing them, too.

4

many days my eyes brim over with tears of affection and deep love. this love for my daughter is qualitatively other than all the other deep loves of my life. loving her opens me up. she sleeps horribly and eats like a greedy little horse. lately – after three nights of waking every two hours to feed and to comfort her – i am an empty well with mush for a brain. but then she looks at me with recognition and joy, and i can forgive her anything that she’s ever cost me.

5

i think that one thing we are learning these days is that dreams are far less lovely in their actuality than in the imagination. like this thing with the neighborhood boys and bikes (“this is what i dreamed of,” tim said one day after answering the millionth request for help, “so i guess i can’t scorn it.”) being a parent is another example, of course. and so is missional living in a neighborhood with not much going for it. and now there’s this other dream… a Big One; the one that drew tim and i together with a sense of shared purpose foundational to our marriage… and it, too, is inching into actuality… so it, too, is starting to feel a little less romantic. we dream without even knowing the cost. i wonder if the dreams of God planted in our hearts are the only ones that can survive the onslaught of Coming True. and i wonder what will happen to this one. all i know is that i stand at the threshold with more ambivalence than i would have predicted.

(being vague for now intentionally).

6

remember: to stand behind a good man with all your strength and conviction, and to raise a child with all your wisdom and endurance are large enough contributions to humanity and the Kingdom.